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How to reset your life completely with this monthly guide!

There are so many reasons your life, your home, or you could need a complete reset. It could be simply because it’s the end of or beginning of the month. I personally do one of these at the beginning of every month and am even writing this blog post for all of you as I work through mine. I just feel so much more organized ( my OCD needs this), refreshed, grounded, motivated and prepared to head into whatever the new month may be bringing me.

But, like I said there are so many reasons to do one and sometimes this happens once a week in my home even. It could be you have visitors coming soon and would just feel more comfortable doing one prior. For me, it’s not about worrying about how they will view me or my home it’s about making sure I have nothing but, positive and lively energy in my home/ safe space BEFORE I allow others into it.

It could also be for mental health reasons; maybe you just got behind on your daily or weekly tasks and now the only way to begin is to simple reset it all.

Or, maybe you have a really busy schedule coming up for the next few weeks and you just want to feel prepared and ready and get as much done beforehand to make it a little less stressful.

No, matter the reason why you, your home, or your life may need an entire top to bottom reset it doesn’t matter but, this guide is for you! Keep in mind this is tailored to myself, my needs, my brain, my family, and my lifestyle so, ALWAYS tailor it to fit YOU. Take what you need and leave what you don’t. I know not all of this will be for everyone. I have OCD and DID so, I am both obsessive and have memory issues so , I do some things a couple different ways to ensure it is all done correctly. My entire family of 3 are also all Neurodivergent so some things not every family will need.

The purpose of doing a reset

I touched on earlier that there are many reasons why you may be wanting to do one but, what’s the purpose and what benefits do you get from doing one?

First, organization no matter how organized of a person you are you, your system will need a revamp, a declutter, and a reboot from time to time to remain efficient because, you, your life, and your family are constantly changing. Also a HUGE part of being organized is using systems and schedules and resets have to be apart of that sense we reset in so many ways in our lives from weekly, monthly, seasonally, yearly and so on.

Second, doing this brings you so many different mental health benefits. From building mastery, using smart goals, boosting self esteem, confidence, lessoning anxiety, gaining motivation and helping you build a life worth living.

Third, it’s honestly the best cope ahead plan you could ever create for yourself and consistently use. It helps you make sure you are prepared, have a plan in place and are set up in the best way possible for success including having ways to cope with obstacles affectively. If you want to learn more about how to create a cope ahead plan you can read more here in my previous blog post.

The Checklist

We have talked about what it is, how it can benefit us so how do we do one? I have a master checklist for this in a few places, my family binder, my bullet journal (BUJO), and in my personal development plan (PDP). You can choose to do it however works best for you!

I love bullet journals though mainly because they are so customizable. You get to make them exactly what you want, you can buy them in different sizes and you can use so many different kinds of writing utensils as well.

Once you decide where you want to create your master check list next is adding your items on it. Below I will walk you through what is on mine and later we will go into detail of what I do specifically for each one.

  • Brain dump
  • Budget
  • Personal Organization
  • Reflection of the past month
  • Family Organization
  • Clean Home
  • Set this Month’s Goals and Intentions
  • Schedule (s)
  • Take some time to Rest
  • Self-Care
  • Choose your pillar(s) for the month

If this looks like a lot or overwhelming for you, you can always take out things you don’t feel you need. Also remember this isn’t something that you have to do in one day either. Some times I get it all done in a Day, sometimes in 2 or 3, and sometimes I plan it out and spend and entire week doing this, usually it is during the last week of the month or the first.

Let’s break down the Checklist

Let’s get down to the nitty gritty details of each thing on my master checklist, what that category or thing means, how I do and what benefits I get from doing it!

Brain dump

If you have never done one of these before or heard of what they are it really is exactly what it sounds like. It’s sitting down and literally dumping everything out of your brain for a given topic or purpose. This time you will be using it to brain dump your master Ta Da list or as others call it a To list. I personally just don’t like the To Do List it makes it seem so much more of a dreaded forced obligation so I call them Ta da lists. As a way to go ” Ta Da” I did it and congratulate myself for getting it done. Whichever you choose to call it or even something else that is how you are going to approach this brain dump.

Here is how you are going to do it. I try my best to do these when my son is napping or asleep and my husband is preoccupied so, I can have the ability to be in my own space and not be interrupted. I like to make sure my brain dumps get all of my attention when I am doing them for a few reasons. One, so I don’t forget anything and another reason sometimes things come up for me that I need to do that I either didn’t know at all or I didn’t realize how important they were to me.

Once, I am in my own quiet space or sometimes I listen to music as well to help my brain focus so if you need that it’s okay too. I grab my bullet journal, you can use whatever it is you want to; a notebook, a pad, a piece of paper, a post it note, whatever it is you want to use. But, once I have my bullet journal I set up my pages the way I like to with my 4 categories. You don’t have to do this, a lot of people suggest not having any categories at all and just writing whatever it is that comes to you with no structure at all. For me, due to my OCD in order for my brain to even be able to express itself enough to know what it wants at all it needs some type of structure. Without it, leads to chaos, massive anxiety and dissociation. My 4 categories sometimes change but, typically it’s some version of this Admin, projects, cleaning, and goals setting. You can pick whatever you need for your categories and how many as well. For me, four honestly is picked because that is how many I can fit evenly on my page layout.

When, I have my categories written in and my page set up drawn in. I take a few deep breaths and I go through and write whatever comes to me in each category. I pick one category at a time and focus on that but, if you just want to write whatever comes to you and jump around you can too. Follow your brains direction. Do this until you are done. Once you feel you got it all out, take a look at all you have written this brain dump, just became your new Ta Da list. The next step is to plan out how, and when you will get things done and in what order. If you need help on how to do that I highly suggest using the Post It method I take about in this article it just is going to be on a grander scale.

Otherwise, you can just simply rank them in priority one a piece of paper based on level of importance, how they make you feel when you will complete them, how much time they will take, if it is something you can complete now or need to prep for, do you have all the items needed to complete it if it needs some and anything else you may need to consider. Than use your plan your created to complete your Ta da list and enjoy the overflowing of emotions your will be flooded with when you build this level of mastery.

Budget

Even though this item would also be on my ta da list from my brain dump under the admin section it’s so important I feel it needs it’s own stand out section. Now as a preface, by no means am i well off, nor am I the best at money and some fininacial guru. I actually am not the best with it. I have a lot of intellectual knowledge I have learned since becoming and adult but, for many reasons I’ve spent majority of my adult life in poverty. My family as I am writing this is struggling quite badly financially for many reasons. We have dealt with eviction, homelessness, and also having more money than we need and renting a fairly nice new home and leasing brand new cars.

With, all that being said I still no matter how little money my family is going to have or how much; write out and create a budget for the month at least and sometimes for the week. At times I even go as far as tracking and writing one out daily. If you have no idea of what your finances even look like there is no way to even begin to plan what the rest of your life is going to look like. I know I hate it too. But, there are things about the world and society that in order to thrive in it we do have to accept and come into some kind of alignment with and at least creating a budget and having a view of what it will look like gives you a bridge and opportunity to do that. Below is one of the planner pages I like to use and this is a budget book I have been using for a few years now https://www.amazon.com/Sort-Your-hit-Out-Paycheck/dp/1079491058

https://www.printabulls.com/finance/monthly-budget-planners/

Personal Organization

This will look different for everyone so, make sure you do whatever it is that speaks to you and makes your soul happy and feel organized and ready to take on life. When it comes to what personal organization is and should be. It’s whatever you need to do for yourself to keep you personally on track and living the life you want to live. If you have a family and/or kids it’s not their schedules or home school lesson plans. It’s YOUR personal schedule, your personal goals, your personal development tools, your self care needs, and so much more.

My personal organization is really centered around my bullet journal. I create Daily, weekly, and monthly spreads. I create habit trackers, self care trackers, any checklists I need for any of my own projects I do for me that don’t involve the family like my teaching schedule, RFAN agendas, content scheduling for her and so on. I even take the time here to pick out or create affirmations and put them in my bullet journal for me to come to when I may need them later and as reminders to. If you needs ideas for inspiration Pinterest is my favorite place to get inspiration for bujo spreads from. Let me know in the comments to if that’s something you want to see a future blog post about as well.

Reflection of the Past Month

This step is one of the most important ones for me and I hope it becomes that way for you as well. It is so important to me because doing this helps give me direction for my next month, helps me realize what worked and what didn’t in my planning from the previous month or reset, and it grounds me in my reality.

When you do this you are essentially taking stock, and holding yourself accountable. You are evaluating your plan from before and finding what worked that you can use this time and what didn’t that may need to be changed. You are forcing yourself to really look at truly where are in at in both your life and your goals. Which makes sure you are grounded fully in what your reality is. Sometimes this affect is not what we want especially if we are stuck in a cycle of avoidance and it can be overwhelming but, it’s also what we really need as well if we are seeking a reset to begin with.

How I choose to reflect usually looks like me leafing through my bullet journal and looking to see what is I had accomplished and what I had not. What I had decided to no longer pursue and why. Did I make and leave any notes for myself to come back to? Than I end up in Meditation, and doing other things like going thru my personal development plan for that month and year, my goal board and other things. Once I have done all that I typically have a pretty clear vision of what it is I want my life to look like by the end of this reset and how I can make that happen.

Family Organization

No matter what family looks like for you, you and a pet, your partner and yourself, a single parent, or a family with multiple generations in one home when it comes to a monthly reset you have to consider them in your reset. They affect your schedule, how you can organize, how much time you have and what goals you can have the ability and freedom to set for yourself. However it looks to you make sure you don’t forget this. For me, this is updating my family binder, my family command center, double checking my son’s and husbands schedules like medical appointments, creating our home school lesson plan, and planning any family outings we may be doing that month. If you want to learn more about creating a family binder or command center don’t worry I have blog post coming soon to break those down into much more detail.

Deep clean your entire home

When I say deep clean I mean you are going to go thru each and every room top to bottom and clean all of it, reorganize anything that needs it, you can even redecorate it if you need to, and declutter. If you don’t need any planning tools to accomplish just go ahead and get it all done and this list should be coming from you brain dump as well. So, don’t forget to include any cleaning tasks that had come up for you when you had been making that earlier. If you want a little more structure you can always create a master checklist that you keep in your bullet journal and/or your family binder. My check list breaks it down to the cleaning deep cleaning tasks, decluttering, and reorganization.

Doing this as part of your reset may seem like not that big of deal but, if your environment isn’t set up for you to grow, and flourish in no matter how hard you try to, you won’t get as tall and beautiful as you were meant to be. Deep cleaning your home sets your environment up to be in energetic alignment with the life you are trying to create with this reset. It builds mastery, it cleanses out old, stagnant and unwanted energy, and it sets you up for success in the rest of your plans and goals going forward.

Set this month’s goals

So far a lot of what we have talked about has been about getting ready for your next steps, your next, the next month etc. But, what is it you are actually doing this all for? Well your goals of course! The things that are going to make your soul sing with joy, and make your life worth living for. So, now is the time to set those goals and I bet if you go back and look at that brain dump you did it will help spark some ideas for you on what you want you goals to be if you are struggling to think of some.

One thing I want to talk about briefly is how to actually set active goals that you will accomplish is making sure to use the DBT skill SMART goals. It’s an acronym for an effective, and detailed way to set goals and actually achieve them. I Talk about it in a few of my previous blog posts in the personal development section of the site and I do plan on talking about it in much more detail in another blog post coming up.

So, what does smart stand for; S-specific, M-measurable, A-attainable, R-relevant, T-timely. If you follow this template for creating your goals it makes it very difficult to fail actually. You can also create a PDP using this skill and than make to use things like reminders, and affirmations to help you meet your goals if that is something that works for you. It does for me so no shame in it at all.

Schedule(s)

When it comes to doing a reset on your life a crucial part to doing that is knowing where your time is going to be spent and how much of it you have to spend on each one of your goals or that you can dedicate to achieving them. So, make sure to take the time to get your schedule in order. Whether that means you need to break down your daily schedule by the hour and write it out in your bullet journal like I do, or simply syncing up your google or apple calendar on your phone, or filling in a physical calendar for your home, or redoing your calendar for your command center.

Do whatever it is you need to do to get your schedule organized and in some place for you to easily access it when you need it. Like I said I am obsessive so, I use a bullet journal daily schedule spread, my google calendar, a family command center and a weekly schedule board. I also make sure to include my son’s schedule and my husband since I am the keeper of that in our home.

Take Some Time to Rest

The whole point of a reset is to make sure you are completely refreshed, reenergized, motivated, prepared, and just ready to take on anything this next phase and time frame will be throwing at you. And to set you up to meet all of your goals you have set. How can we do that if we are tired, and have a depleted battery. So, make sure to take time while you are doing this to rest, relax, recharge, take care of yourself, and do things that replenish your desire. If you need some ideas on how to do this thru the act of self love you can check you my previous blog post on the topic here for loads of ideas. https://modgepodgemystic.com/the-magic-of-self-love-and-how-to-maintain-it-thru-self-care/

Self Care Prep

For some this may not be a thing that is need for you. For me, I need to plan and prep for many reasons, it also is an act of self care for me as well. I have to plan out my self care. I have to pick what I am going to be doing and when. One thing I do for self care is play video games and every single day I have blocks of time in my schedule to make that happen. As in literally written into my schedule. I also have to create affirmations, quotations, and reminders for myself to be in my bullet journal and around my house, including a self care habit tracker for my bullet journal. So, for my prep for my reset I take the time to create those reminders, get any items I may need restocked, and make sure I have it planned into my schedule.

Choose your Pillar(s) for the month

What do I mean by this? I took a seminar a few years ago I believe with Sisters Enchanted. If you have never checked them out you can do so here; https://thesistersenchanted.com/ and their was a huge golden nugget I took away from it that I now use in so many different ways in my life. She talked about how in life we get really overwhelmed and dissatisfied and try to do so many things at once, and have our focus in so many different places all the time. If you know me at all this is like the state of being I naturally live in. If you are just now finding me and starting to get to know me. Take a look at my site and you will see I have my hands in a lot of things and I often hear that people are inspired by my and admire me for how much I get done. I often hear how they don’t know how I get done what I get done and how I am involved in so many different things.

And than she talked about having pillars in life, our goals, and the things we focus our minds and energy on. And how in life she had learned that no matter how hard she tried to have more she could only ever realistically focus on three at a time. That only three areas or things of your life will you be able to focus your attention on and actually bring to fruition to it’s fullest and how you truly intend to. This really spoke to me. I still want to fight it all the time and do more than 3. So, that is why I can’t set pillars for an entire year but, I do them for each reset, and month typically. So, each month I focus on 3 specific areas of my life.

I also have teachers that have taught about focusing on 1 area at a time and having one pillar or word you focus on. So, pick which one is going to fit best for you or modify it to something different if you want to. I recommend though don’t try to go past 3, every time I do I end up with either a chaotic time period or half manifested intentions.

Reap the benefits

We have talked about why you should do a complete reset, the many benefits of doing one, what should be on your checklist, how to do each thing on that checklist and now it is time for you to go and do one! Take everything that you learned from this post, tailor what you need to and go and create your very own master check list and completely reset your life. You could have it done by this weekend even! The benefits you would get our numerous and honestly I can’t speak to what it does for me personally each and every time I do one. Enjoy alignment, manifestation of your desires and intentions, meeting your goals, having a clean and organized home, and truly living a life worth living you are excited to wake up to and participate in each and every day.

Come join me the first Saturday of January to revolutionize how you set your goals for 2025. Let me show you hand in hand how to create my personal development plan. You will leave with your entire years worth of SMART goals planned, a way to keep yourself accountable, and have a clear path on how you meet every goal you set. https://www.paypal.com/ncp/payment/4ZKQ6FXMUGGEJ

Have you been feeling stuck, emotionally unstable, missing joy in your life, or having a hard time connecting to yourself and your magic? Do you want to start the new year from a different headspace? I have the answer for you to start out this new year from a place feeling grounded, present, and ready to manifest your dream life. Come join me for this special one time only two day event teaching you how to integrate the practice of Mindfulness to your magic and life!

What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is the practice of purposely bringing one’s attention to the present moment without judgment. It allows you to move from just existing in life to thriving, get back to wise mind, create a place to heal and grow in, and most important of all, align you with joy while creating a life where you truly thrive! This skill is a core skill in DBT, the therapy that changed my life! To register for this special two day event visit the link below! https://www.paypal.com/ncp/payment/JY5UBMB2TA27L

Come join me for community, knowledge, and to restore the enchantment of magic in yourself and life today!

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About Me : I have been a solitary grey magic practitioner for 15 + years. First and foremost, I consider myself a mystic and seeker of all knowledge. I am dedicated to the restoration, and re-enchantment of Magic in society, across this realm, and in each and every soul I come across in life! I am here to create a container that promotes healing, duality, and raw authenticity. I do this by guiding you on your personal journey to understanding your unique magic and sacred contracts. I facilitate this for you through embracing your shadow, duality and learning to live in energetic balance while not wearing a mask. When you work and learn from me you do so from your “darkness” as much as your “light” and in a way to truly harness and accept it not to just go thru it on the way to your light. But, I teach you how to truly embrace it, work with it, and use it alongside your light as a partner. I hold up a mirror for you to be able to see your authentic reflection looking back. Then have the courage to take the next step and do the uncomfortable but vital inner work to completely remove your mask. By facing all of your past wounds, traumas, and hurts. Allowing you to see both the dark and light within your story and take each chapter and alchemize it into something that is so powerful. your unique internal flame will shine so bright you will always be able to go within and find it on a dark cold night. You will learn how to truly live in duality and energetic balance to allow growth, and alignment with your sacred contracts and purposes. to finally move on and truly let the things that hold you back in this life from healing and manifesting go. To see everything I offer; like personalized shadow work sessions, womb healing, eBooks for you to work through on your own, Tarot sessions for guidance and more! Go to my shop!

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How to Regain Control Of your Life in One Day After Being Overwhelmed

Being overwhelmed is something we all experience at times in our lives. Some much more than others. ( My hand is definitely raised) With the current state of the world and the collective I feel myself and others are hitting their thresholds much quicker than usual or than we would like to be. Feeling overwhelmed has unwanted side effects and consequences for everyone us even though it may look different. I know for myself it may even look different from day to day.

Usually though when I am overwhelmed I get very snippy with my husband, and even passive aggressive. I have much lower patience with my son and end up not following my parenting philosophy when he is struggling and I make it worse. I will cancel things I had planned and avoid contact with others.

And if it gets bad enough I will start to avoid everything. I won’t do anything and will cancel everything. I will dissociate from myself and reality and in some of the worst cases another personality takes complete control of me for awhile and depending on which one, it can have even worse consequences than just being overwhelmed.

So, what can we do about?

I said we all experience it at times so we can’t avoid it. It will happen no matter what your best intentions are, how organized you are, or how well you maintain boundaries. This will happen no matter what simply because we are humans and living life and life is overwhelming at times and so are other humans. So, it’s unavoidable. But, even with that being true there are things we can do both before it happens to prepare and things we can do when it’s happening.

Before it happens

Before we ever even get overwhelmed and start to spiral we can have one of my favorite DBT skills created and on hand for us to use when this happens, called the cope ahead plan.

What is a cope ahead plan?

It is exactly like it sounds. It is a plan you create before a situation happens for how you will cope effectively if/when it does happen. In other words this is your cheat sheet/ to do list you pull out that tells you what to do when your emotions may be making it difficult to problem solve, cope, or be in wise mind.

Another benefit to creating one of these plans is the sense of ease and confidence it gives you that allows you to stop ruminating about things that haven’t happened yet. As someone with OCD I use these plans to even help me break free from routines that get triggered unintentionally. I even use these to make me able to be around other people especially family.

So, how do you create one?

First thing you do is DESCRIBE. You describe the situation that is likely to happen get very detailed about the situation. You check the facts with what you are describing and make sure you are being justified with your description and not letting emotions influences the description but, do note what emotions you are feeling

Second, DECDE what problem solving or coping skills you want to use for this specific situation. What skills will assist you the best with the specific feelings this situation is making you feel. Be detailed!

Third, IMAGINE THE SITUATION in your mind as vividly as possible. Imagine and immerse yourself in the situation as if it is happening now in the present.

Fourth, REHEARSE IN YOUR MIND COPING EFFECTIVELY. This one is the most important part of the skill and the part I feel most forget, myself included at times. When it says rehearse it means rehearse. You fully act out your actions, you say the words you want to say, you respond emotional the way you want to respond, you rehearse every part of what you coping effectively will look and feel like to you. You do this as many times as you need to. Until you feel prepared and any anxiety or unwanted feelings dissipate.

Fifth, PRACTICE RELAXATION AFTER REHEARSING. It is exactly what is says. Go and do something relaxing to bring your emotions back to wise mind after rehearsing.

After doing all those steps you now have a cope ahead plan. I recommend writing out this plan on a sheet of paper especially what you want to say. It makes rehearsing it easier to do and you can come back to it over and over again if its a situation you have to cope ahead for often in your life.

So, what skills for coping should you put in your cope ahead plan?

Every single cope ahead plan will look different for each person and situation but, let me give you some ideas of what can go in your cope ahead plan for when you are just feeling overwhelmed with life, you have been down, off track, and avoiding things/events/others. The list I will go over below is not all inclusive and some things may not work for you change it up to fit your needs.

1. Get ready for the day

When I am overwhelmed in life whether it be due to metal health, a busy schedule or just life being life one of the first things to go for me is personal hygiene. I don’t shower for days, brush my teeth, my hair ends up in a ponytail nonstop, and I only change my clothes if they get wet from doing the dishes or something. So, for me to get back any sense of control and joy I force myself into the shower, I put clothes on that make me feel joy not just simply comfortable, I brush my teeth, do my hair and anything else I haven’t done in awhile. Every time I always surprise myself by how much more rejuvenated I feel after doing this and how much of the fog lifts.

2. Declutter

Another thing for me that will start to go is cleanliness of my physical space. Even though I am aware for me something not being clean is extreme and most would think it is still perfectly clean. It still affects me, my mental health and my emotions if it isn’t as clean as my brain would like it to be. So, I start to declutter. I tell myself to just focus on decluttering so I don’t swing to far one way and go from avoiding things by doing nothing to avoiding things by distraction and doing way to much. That just creates a different type of overwhelm to now be coping with. So, be careful and mindful of that.

3. Get outside

Even if it is just for 1 minute step outside in some way. I know that it isn’t always ideal or safe to do. I live in Minnesota and sometimes it’s just too damn cold to go outside and it hurts. Not only because I am a witch and pagan so, for me it’s spiritual and religious self care but, there is actual science behind it! When we go outside and make contact with the earth we get an influx in energies we need that cause us to reset and cleanse. Plus the fresh air in our lungs is invigorating and gives you more energy as well.

4. Build mastery

What this means is doing something completely that makes you feel like an absolute master at that skill when you are done. Whether it be something like sweeping your kitchen floor, making your bed, washing your hands, writing your grocery list or creating something. Doing this helps you feel self esteem and confidence and reminds your brain what it feels like to accomplish something while reminding you that you can still accomplish things even when feeling unwanted emotions.

5. Organize some part of your life

Whether it be your schedule for the week, your to do list, a meal plan or anything else you need to organize, plan, and schedule some part of your life. Doing this again helps you feel a sense of accomplishment, self esteem, and makes you feel like there is a little less for you to have to worry about and feel overwhelmed over. Doing this can also help you with checking the facts of why you became overwhelmed in the first place.

6. Do some type of self care activity

It does not matter what type of self care you do, physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, etc. you simply just need to do whatever your intuition is calling you to do that is all about taking care of you. It is about recharging your battery. Connecting you to joy. And reigniting your flame of desire.

7. Do a brain dump

This one might not work for everyone it is really going to depend on your brain and your own needs for order and organization. For some doing a brain dump will only overwhelm them more and for others like me it helps keep me realistic and it stops my brain from thinking it is never ending. Seeing it all written down on one page makes my see that there is an end in sight and that it is tangible for me to reach and the sense of overwhelm will subside and a sense of motivation starts to take over.

8. Use the Post it Method

This is a skill one of the DBT therapist taught us in group one day as bonus skill. I modified it for my own use so I will tell you both ways to use this one.

The first one is using to get you to do things. What you do is you grab some sticky notes and a pen and you get yourself in wise mind and you ask yourself what are the top ( however many you choose) things you have been avoiding and procrastinating doing? You write them on a post note and place them somewhere you will have no choice but, to see them to use as motivation to get you to complete the task. Once you do you get to remove the post it note and feel another boost of accomplishment, self esteem, and confidence to further enhance your motivation.

The second one, is using it to restrict how many things you do. This for me was way more important for my OCD. My issue isn’t really not doings things. It’s taking on and doing to many things. So, how I modified this was when it came to getting my posts it I limited the number I was allowed to write. I picked a number and I could only choose that many task to get done and do that day. And when I had completed them all I wasn’t allowed to go and create new ones and add more. If they were gone it meant I had to relax and no longer work on my to do list.

Again, this helps give you that sense of accomplishment and it gives a structure on how you will do it. You also get that visual reinforcement as well that you have a skill to use to cope effectively.

9. Spend some extended time in Wise mind

Everyone has different skills and ways they get themselves into wise mind. If you don’t know what wise mind is; it’s using both your emotional mind and reasonable mind to access the wisdom within you. It’s seeing value and in both your reason and your emotions. It’s bringing your left brain and your right brain together. It’s walking the middle path and existing and thinking in duality.

It’s our goal to be in this state of mind as often as we can be and to try and make most if not all of our decisions from this place so we can live a life worth living. Spending some extended time in this state of mind can help us to check the facts, realign, and be able to move forward in an effective way. So do this however you need to. Again it will look different for all of us whether it’s meditating, using the stone flake on the lake technique, the spiral staircase, or breathing techniques.

Create your Cope ahead plan to fit you and your needs

The list and ideas in this blog post are just the very beginning of the options you have to put in them and it doesn’t even include all of them I use for this specific situation either because, it can change time to time. So, use this as a starting place, experiment and create a cope ahead plan that will best benefit you when you feel overwhelmed. No matter how that looks, by avoiding things, doing to much or something else entirely. Keep that plan in a safe spot and pull out any time you need it remembering you created it just for that moment and feeling to help you.

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The Magic of Self love and how to maintain it thru self care

With Valentine’s Day just behind us and love in the air and on almost everyone’s mind and hearts I want to talk about a type of love that I feel is overlooked, self love. Don’t get me wrong I am very guilty of this in my life and often. Having those moments, days, weeks, months, and even years where you simply don’t feel worthy, your self- esteem is low, your self confidence is down, and you just aren’t in love with yourself and who you are.

To be perfectly honest I am even writing this because I need this reminder and focus myself right now. Self-Love is something I have been struggling to remember in moments of doubt, hardship, and sadness lately. The unwanted affects that have been happening are affecting all areas of my life, my relationship with myself, my husband, my son and my students. I have not been the best most authentic version of myself as a mother, wife, teacher, and the divine individual that I am.

What is Self-Love?

Before, I talk more about the unwanted affects of not having self love as an intentional focus in your life let’s talk in depth about what Self- Love is. In it’s most simple and basic definition self-love is being in love with every part of yourself.

That’s it. Seems simple right? But, it’s much more than this because what does that even mean and look like to be in love with every part of yourself? What does that even feel like?

When I really think about those questions and dig deep at what it means to really truly love every part of yourself I get flooded with the amount of ideas and thoughts of what it truly means and at the same time I feel like I will only be able to articulate such a small amount of what this act and feeling truly encompasses.

Self love feels like placing a very high value on your own well being and happiness with oneself. It feels like knowing your worth and never settling for less. It feels like no guilt when taking the time to take care of your own needs and not sacrificing my well-being to please others or for others well being. It feels like deep acceptance with of every part of your body, soul, mind, and personality as divine being. It feels like confidence in your gifts, blessings and abilities and leaving no room for self doubt to flourish.

Self love looks like saying no to things that truly do not bring you joy, a sense of accomplishment and do not align with my soul purpose or values. It looks like setting boundaries with those you love and removing those that don’t respect them. It looks like being proud, confident and accepting of your body to take care of it and express yourself with it in the ways you want to. Self love looks like boldly living your soul purpose and doing what you love.

Above all else to genuinely and wholeheartedly love every part of yourself should come first. Self- Love is so powerful and honestly the best love you will ever have. And the most profound you will ever experience to further growth, healing, and transformation.

When you love who you are wholeheartedly your relationships will be healthier, your life will be happier and you will be aligned with your sacred contracts and soul purposes. If you are a parent you will connect with your child more and be able to be the emotional intelligent and loving parent you want to be. You be happier and it will shine through to those around you and you will choose to things and people that only bring you happiness.

When you have a strong relationship with self-love it shows yourself and others the standards in how we want to be treated. How we want others to treat us and how we treat ourselves. It helps us to decide our boundaries and have the ability and fortitude to maintain them.

Unwanted affects of low self love

When you have a weak relationship or outright lack one with self love like I touched on early you will definitely see some unwanted affects to you, your life, and your relationships. It may differ from person to person but, here are some ways it may affect you.

You may have an issue with self esteem and self worth which can lead to many issues when interacting with others like being a people pleaser, or always apologizing or pushing others away. You may be more emotionally imbalanced and moving from one emotion to the next including depression, explosive anger, and anxiety.

You may lack motivation to work towards your goals or to set some to begin with due to being indecisive. You may not be kind to yourself by taking care of your body physical and be uncomfortable in it which can lead to many different affects on your relationships with others and how your present yourself to the world.

The list of possible unwanted side affects could go on and differ for all the main point is if you don’t make this relationship a priority every area of your life will take a hit as well and you will be lacking connection to one of the most potent energies to foster a happy and healthy life and well being.

Your happiness and well-being are important; protect it by always valuing who you are and maintaining a secure relationship with self-love. As is with any relationship you have to do things to maintain it and communicate effectively with it. The things you do to main self love, those acts are called Self-care.

What is Self-care?

Self-care is the act of valuing, respecting, and caring for your mind, body, and soul. It is the act and doing things that allow you and help you to embrace your flaws, your strengths and abilities. Self care is doing things that make you feel more like yourself.

Self care is a deliberate choice to gift yourself with people, places, things, events, and opportunities that recharge our battery and foster our connection to self love. These activities do this by focusing on promoting whole health, body, mind, spirit, and soul. When all these areas of your life are aligned you foster such a deep connection of love to oneself and have the ability to connect to it much easier.

Types of Self-care

The key to self-care it should be something that you enjoy and not feel like an obligation.

Emotional self-care– Helps you get in touch with your feelings in a way that makes you feel centered and in wise mind with them. This is about becoming more in tune with out emotions. It’s about checking in with yourself, becoming more mindful of your triggers and thinking patterns while finding a way to work through it

Spiritual self-care- The act of spiritually looking after yourself cane be accomplished by simply doing tings that make your heart and soul flourish, whether this be by connecting to you soul, your magic, or a deity/ higher power/ source/ universe/multiverse. This doesn’t have to mean anything to do with a religion though. You are simply making sure what you are doing is nourishing your soul.

Physical self-care- This is all about looking after your body, doing what you need to stay healthy and connected to your physical self. Taking care of our bodies is a large component of self care, but it doesn’t have to include vigorous exercise routine.

Social self-care- Anything, or event that gets your around others. We are social creatures and we recharge when we are around others. This may look different depending on being an extrovert or introvert and your comfort level around others so make sure to honor that and keep that in mind.

Intellectual/ mental self-care- Anything that stimulates your mind, helps you working towards your goals, learning new things and expanding your understanding of the world around you.

Recreational self-care- Self care that encourages you to tap into your inner child and simply have fun

Financial Self-care- This type of self-care allows you to cultivate a healthy relationship with money so you can reduce stress

Environmental self care- This type of self-care allows you to find the right environment so you can truly thrive

As you just read above there are so many areas of your life where you can use self care you to nourish every aspect of yourself and when every aspect of yourself is nourished and you are happy how could you not be able to connect yourself and wholeheartedly exist in self love?

Ideas to practice each type of self care

Physical- go for a walk
drink some water
take a shower or bath
wear an outfit you feel confident in
Dance alone to favorite music


Emotional-Journal
therapy
express emotions
do shadow work


Spiritual- yoga
meditate
Prayer
connect to a deity
go to an altar

Financial- Make a budget
create goals


Recreational-do a hobby you love
make art
listen to music
Take a road trip


Social-Call a friend
Go see family
attend a social event
join a club


Intellectual-Study a topic you enjoy
watch a youtube video
put together a puzzle
read a book

No matter how you choose to practice self care whether it is from this list or something you choose on your own do it with intention to connect to and foster your self love in the most affective way for your life, happiness and to benefit your relationships. Keep an eye out for a blog post coming on magical and witchy ways to practice self care and self love!

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What is personal Development?

For me it’s anything that encompasses growth for yourself and your life.

It’s the intentional acts and/or reflection you are doing to grow as a person to better yourself, your soul, your community, your family, and your life.

This is what we do to be happy, feel whole, and to help us both uncover our sacred contracts and divine purposes, to live our life in accordance with them to fulfill them!

Which means this can encompass and cover ALOT of things!

From shadow work and reflection to taking care of your physical health, developing your own belief system, seeking mental health help and using the skills they teach you, to goal setting and more!

This topic is a deep seeded passion of mine!

Let me tell you why and why I feel I have so much to share on this topic!

In 2015 I got married to my amazing husband after being together for 4.5 years already, I turned 25 shortly after that and I completely broke.

Quarter life crisis

If anyone doesn’t think this is a thing. I promise you it is.

My depression and anxiety got so bad, I would curl up into a ball while shaking and crying on the floor in front of the door to our house because I had to leave it to go to work or the store for groceries.

It got to the point where, I called into work so many times, had used all my PTO, FMLA, Sick pay all of it that I was fired. All while I was lying to my husband about it.

Telling him I had been going to work and getting sent home early or if he went in after me that I had taken a half day of PTO that morning.

Because, I had no idea what was going on and how do you explain to others I literally can not get my body or mind to leave my house without a severe breakdown.

And being fired from my job only made things worse for me.

I shame spiraled hard and fast!

I had never failed like that before.

I am not going to lie it took much longer than I would have liked to get to the point where I could even begin to think about personal development and how to get there.

It took me an entire year of literally just being depressed and anxious and sitting in front of a tv to numb myself and a lot of weed.

But, than I hit this moment when I was shaking, crying, and about to throw up again from the anxiety of how much longer can I keep feeling like this? How much longer am I going to be able to do this mentally, emotionally and physically?

And if I won’t be able to do this much longer than what am I going to do? How am I going to get out of this space?

This moment sparked my personal development obsession and journey!

Where I spent the next 5 plus years gobbling up everything I could get my hands on, blogs, books, therapies, self help books, podcasts, youtube videos, learning how to bullet journal, taking workshops, retreats and classes, and so much more.

In that 5 plus years I succeeded and failed many times. Went thru CBT, DBT, and a handful of trauma therapies. Dealt with isolation, depression, anxiety and more. Was diagnosed with OCD, Bipolar 2 disorder, PTSD, a binge eating disorder, BPD, DID, Severe anxiety and depression.

I have done the work to no longer meet criteria for some of those and a few I have gotten to a very healthy and manageable level. That doesn’t mean I am cured and I still have days and moments and situations where I struggle.

So, let me help you do that too!

Let me be a support to you!

Let me be a guide to you!

Let me teach you what worked for me and help you sift thru the many ways you can work on your personal development in all areas of your life, like self care, physical health, mental health, and your own personal belief systems and values!

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Marriage and/or a partnership aren’t meant to be equal or 50/50

I Know right away some of you have clicked on this to come at me with guns blazing ready to argue with me. To let me know how wrong I am, how young I am so how could I possibly know, and to tell me how I am anti feminist or in an unhealthy marriage.

I am going to tell you that you are wrong.

I am going to stick to the statement I made in this blog post title.

And I am going to ask that you hear me out. Read this until the very end and than tell me you don’t think and feel the same way.

My marriage and why you should even read this

I am going to get very personal in the post. I am going to talk about some deep things that have happened and are happening now in my marriage and how not viewing my marriage as 50/50 and equal is how we are still together today.

After meeting right out of high school at 18, getting engaged after only 6 months and moving i with each other, getting married after 4 years and now being together for 13 years ( married for 8) not having this 50/50 mindset is a key factor to us still being together today.

Unlike so many around us that have already divorced or will be soon. And we have outlived the national average for a marriage of 7-8 years and beat the statistics so far of meeting as teens and being too young to stay together.

It has not been all sunshine and rainbows and we more than understand ups and downs in marriages. How hard they can be to navigate, how you can get disconnected and/or grow apart or start to venture down different paths. We have been thru many things life has thrown our way and things we have done to hurt each other. But, all of that will be for later posts.

My marriage never would have survived being 50/50

What we are going to focus on in this post is this idea I keep seeing blowing up on social media; that marriages and/or partnerships if they are healthy are equal and/or 50/50. I get the appeal of thinking like that and I get the idea of how this is thought to be healthy.

But, man am I so thankful my marriage doesn’t function this way.

My marriage never would have made it this long if we had this mindset.

We would have been doomed from the start and set up for failure and I would not be who I am today as an individual nor would my husband if we had this 50/50 mindset.

With this mindset my husband should have left me a long time ago.

And let me tell you why.

What does this 50/50 mindset actually mean?

Like I touched on before I get the appeal of this mindset. I 10000% understand that equal share of responsibility, support, and dealing with life with your partner sounds like and feels like the most balanced way to go through life with a partner.

It seems fair. Let me tell you why it is not.

That isn’t the definition of fair.

Fair doesn’t mean equal like so many think it does. I myself was included in this until a therapist of mine taught me otherwise.

Fair means that something is impartial, just, and not achieving an advantage over another.

For something to be just is going to be subjective based on the people, places, and events involved and it will change and fluctuate all the time.

This fluctuating and subjectiveness is exactly why our goal and my goal is for things to be fair and not 50/50. It gives room for grace in your marriage/ partnership whereas the 50/50 mindset does not.

50/50 leaves no room for grace and support

Grace is critical to a marriage/ partnership. Both giving/ showing your spouse/partner grace and them being able to reciprocate for you when you need it.

And being in a 50/50 mindset leaves no room for grace to be in it.

50/50 means 50/50 no matter what at all times.

It means each person has their own weight to carry, their equal share of the responsibilities and its up to them to carry it so their spouse/ partner can carry theirs. It’s some peoples definition of teamwork.

With this rigid look on duties, responsibilities, and teamwork how could there be grace and true support when its needed? And without that how would you ever expect a relationship to last?

I can tell you with 100000% certainty my husband should have left me, my marriage should no longer be intact and I myself in all honesty may not have lived this long to give birth to my son, go thru therapy and treatment, hold my husband in grace now, and be writing this blog post now for you to be reading.

So, what is grace in a marriage/partnership?

I keep saying my marriage or any marriage won’t make it without grace in it which is why a 50/50 relationship doesn’t always set you up for success.

So, what is grace in a relationship?

Grace in a relationship allows for support. It allows goodwill to enter the marriage/ partnership.

It allows for one spouse/partner to be able to have bad day. It allows for give and take.

It allows for one partner to say ” my load is too heavy right now, I can’t carry it all. Is it okay if I don’t take this on right now? ” It allows for your partner or you to ask for help from the other and know you can get it.

It allows for you to be able to say you need support, to ask for it, and to receive it.

It allows for a partner to say ” hey I need you to carry 80% today I can only handle 20%.” and for the other partner to be willing and able to do that knowing that when the scales tip the other way the same amount of grace will be given to them.

It allows to truly build a team, a life, and marriage built on support.

How can not being 50/50 in a marriage look like in use and its impact

What does this look like in an actual marriage/ partnership? Let me tell you about its biggest impact on mine. How its kept us together and even me alive.

This mindset in our marriage really got put to the test shortly after I turned 25 so about 6 years ago, shortly after we got married and had been together for about 6 years at that point.

I had a quarter life crisis at the point, I completely broke to the point where I almost was or maybe should have been hospitalized. I couldn’t even leave my home, literally. If I tried I’d curl into a ball on the floor in front of my door shaking and crying in a panic attack.

It was my lowest point in my life.

I’ll have a blog post coming soon to dive really deep into that topic.

If we had the mindset of 50/50 and equal at this time my husband should have left for what happened next and the weight he carried for me and for the length of time he did it.

I lied to him about going to work, used all my time off, fmla etc, and had gotten fired.

I than spent the next three years in such a bad depression and having other mental health illnesses causing more instability, My husband was the only one who could work and we eventually ended up homeless because not even that could bring me back to carrying my own weight.

And thru it all my husband carried almost all my weight we were easily 80/20 or 90/10 no matter what he had going on because I simply couldn’t do it. I couldn’t carry a larger amount than that.

And he did so for over 3 years! Without resentment, without blame, and without pressure to push me back to carrying a larger amount of the weight. And doing so allowed me to have time for so much reflection, growth and therapy and I’m in a place we both never could have dreamed to be in.

That grace and willingness was possible because we both knew than and know now that every single day we take a look at it and see how much of the total weight we each are able to carry and in what areas.

It made it possible for me to hold him in the same space now as he goes through what I did and now it’s his turn to heal and grow while I carry most of the weight and hold him in grace and support.

Some days we are 60/40, some days 50/50, some days 80/20, and others 95/5.

Some days my husband carries more weight and others I do.

In some areas he takes on more and in others I do.

We both know that we are there to carry whatever the other needs us to in order for us to be a team truly, to grow together, and support each other when we need it, how we need it, for how long we need it for.

We both know we have a true partnership, and team and know how to truly give and take in a relationship, to be fair, and supportive of one another.

I challenge you to question your idea of a marriage and if 50/50 is truly what you want

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How to make 2024 an actual year of change by turning knowledge to wisdom thru action

How to make 2024 an actual year of change by turning knowledge to wisdom thru action

The year 2023 was a huge one for me that was full of transformation, and so much death and rebirth over and over again.

 But, that’s the way of the multiverse and that’s the beauty of duality. You must have the wanted with unwanted, the dark with light, the sun with the rain, the death with the rebirth.

I spent the last year building a life truly worth living for and to do that I had to experience it all, and turn knowledge into wisdom and action.

Prior to this year I spent a lot of time focusing on gathering every tip, tool, trick and tidbit of information I could get my hands on to tell me what to do with my life. how to become more emotionally stable. How to get healthier. Really just how to build my life in general. I devoured every blog, self help book, podcast, youtube video, and created countless pinterest boards. 

And every year nothing changed long term. 

I would have spans of pockets of time where things would click into place and become a new lifestyle but, after a few months at most. Poof! 

Gone  again!

So, what was so different this year?

First I really sat down and looked at everything I had collected and learned throughout the years and began to realize how many tools I really had learned about and how much information I already knew and that I had available to me. 

Second, I got really brutally honest with myself and let myself realize I had all this knowledge and all these tools at my fingertips and I hadn’t been using a single one of them consistently.

 I had never taken the knowledge I had learned, put action behind it and turned it into wisdom. 

I had all these bullet journals full of quotations.

Full of spreads, habit trackers, goals that were completely empty.

I had notebooks full of notes from self help books, podcasts, and more.

But, I never actually had taken all that knowledge and used it!  I had never actually taken what I learned and applied it to my life actively and intentionally.

So, no wonder all those years I had felt stuck, how I felt like I kept going in this cycle of success, failure, shame spiral, depression, spark of motivation and then mania. 

No wonder all those years I had been so exhausted and drained. 

No wonder all those years most of all I was confused and doubting my worth and capabilities. I had all the information I needed but I never put that information to use to improve my life.

Once you realize this, what in the world do you do?

To be honest, it might hit you hard. You might cry like I did, start to blame yourself, and spiral a little bit. And that is 10000000% okay to feel, just don’t let it consume you. 

Give yourself GRACE!

Do you realize how big of a deal it is to first be willing to even look at and try and figure out what’s been causing a pattern or cycle for you? 

Let alone being willing to realize that there is a missing piece you need to work on and then being willing to work on it?!

So many humans wouldn’t even take it this far. 

So, celebrate yourself! 

Give yourself a high five!

 Do whatever you need to do to let your mind and body know this is a huge deal and a pivotal moment of change for you.

YAY!!!!!!

Next, try to pinpoint what’s causing you not add action behind your knowledge

There are a few ways to do this.

First, do a behavior chain analysis. This is a skill I learned in DBT

step 1-describe the problem behavior

step 2-describe the prompting event

step 3-describe the vulnerability factors prior to the event

step 4-Descibe the main events leading to the behavior

step 5-desribe the consequences of that behavior

Once you can identify what the actual problem is, then you determine what skills to use, and what type of plan you need to make to help you succeed going forward and to have the skills ready when you need them.

Another way you can do this is the why method

I like the why method  a lot because it’s simple and you start to understand why toddlers like to do it so much as well.

What you do is simply keep asking yourself the base question of why until you can not anymore. 

Until you can not find any other alternative answer or explanation for a certain event, your emotions, or why you reacted in a certain way. 

Here’s an example;

My son came to ask me for help to push him in his swing. 

I right away felt my jaw tighten and my eyes roll and heard myself saying no to him. Even though he hadn’t asked for it all day and I could tell from my bodily sensations this was going to be a big explosion of anger if I didn’t figure out why I was so upset and wanting to not just say no but, yell no immediately. 

So, I used some tips skills which I will talk about in another blog post and I began to ask myself why?

Why am I so upset?

Why does my son asking for the swing trigger me?

Why is it triggering me specifically right now?

Why is my body shaking? Am I hungry, tired, anxious, overstimulated?

Why am I really saying no?  

And I kept asking until I realized what was the reason behind my behavior this time. Which was simply I had been so busy that day, I had no idea what time it was, had not eaten and was really just overstimulated.

Knowing this, made me able to solve these issues and realign myself to be able to go and help my swing in his swing so he could use his tools to regulate. 

Now that was a specific example to help you understand how it works. And I am sure you are sitting there thinking “ how in the world does that help me turn knowledge to wisdom through action?”

Well, when you take this method or the behavior chain analysis and apply that to your overall life, and previous year you give yourself the space to reflect and break down to the very core Why you haven’t been able to commit to change and create the life you want. 

Why you haven’t taken things you have learned and know you should be doing and actually applying them. 

If you don’t know the why behind avoidance, or the why behind a failure, or the why behind the lack of motivation or inspiration then how will you ever move through it to your destination?

For me, it really came down too, I needed to believe I was worth it. 

I simply did not think I deserved the life I wanted, the goals I had been dreaming about, or even my basic human needs met. 

This was really hard for me to sit with and ride the emotions of. To acknowledge and understand how deeply I felt this. And how it was influencing every decision I made or did not make and every action I took or did not take. 

But, once I was able to fully realize there is no other why after this one.

I was able to start the work needed to move through it by figuring out what had caused this, why for me in the past and what was solidifying it now. 

Moving through that got me to the place where I could finally make a plan to allow me the space, time and tools needed to take  all knowledge I had learned and turn it into action to completely change myself and my life.

If you want to know how I made that plan and what that plan was, keep an eye out for the next blog post in this section about personal development plans! What they are, how to make one, and what was in mine last year that changed my life so dramatically!

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Top 23 lessons of 2023

The year 2023 was a huge one for me that was full of transformation, and so much death and rebirth over and over again.

But, that’s the way of the multiverse and that’s the beauty of duality. You must have the wanted with unwanted, the dark with light, the sun with the rain, the death with the rebirth.

I spent the last year building a life truly worth living for and to do that I had to experience it all, and turn knowledge into wisdom and action.

2023 was a massive year for me full of transformation, and so much death and rebirth. I had some of my highest of highs and some of my lowest of lowest of lows this past year.

I find it so important to honor and acknowledge both aspects of life so here are some of the accomplishments from this year;

? Graduated DBT

?Cut ties with all toxic family

? Became a professor teaching magic and paganism

? Was a crucial part to getting abortion codified

? Served my community in many ways

? Heard olyver say I love you

? celebrated 13 years with Vincent

?Wrote over 3000 pages for my books and students

? Made great new friends

?Started a business

? Founded a pagan temple

And here are some of the many challenges this year

? Going thru pe trauma therapy

? Being diagnosed with OCD and DID which brought me to 6 disorders being diagnosed with

? This was the toughest year our marriage has ever been thru.

?Finding the right communication method for olyver

?Olyvers official diagnosis

? Gaslighting from family Members and my mother

?Working thru body image issues and an eating disorder

? Financial instability

?Dealing with imposter syndrome about teaching

?Deep feelings of isolation and loneliness

Your life and you really can look completely different in one years time.

I am so grateful to the many lessons in duality this year taught me and I can’t wait to see what 2024 has in store. The year of the 3 pillars for me! The year I fully step into my identity as a goddess!

Here are the top 23 lesson I look away from 2023 ( in no particular order)

1.Life is much easier when you assume everyone is both doing the best they can be and they need to be doing better.

This one is still hard for me at times. But, when you start to look at the people around you as doing the best they can, with the knowledge they have, their circumstances, the resources they have access to, and what traumas and triumphs they carry with them. While also recognizing when they hurt you, make a mistake, or cause unwanted feelings they can still grow, change, and do better next time. You connect to others humanity more, you have more empathy for them, and more grace for them. While at the same time holding and keeping respect for yourself in a healthy and symbiotic way.

2. DBT saved my life and everyone should be taught it.

DBT- Dialectical behavior therapy in case you didn’t know what that meant. I had never heard of it until this program was suggested to by my cbt therapist after 5 years of being with her. This therapy quite literally saved my life in every sense of the word. It taught me to think dialectically, skills to actually know what the hell my emotions were, and how to use them in a healthy way. It taught me what wise mind and walking the middle path meant and how to do that.( aka mindfulness) It brought understanding of myself in so many ways. It literally taught me how to REWIRE my brain, my patterns, my behaviors, and my emotions. It taught me how to be present in my life. Most importantly it stopped 30 years of suicidal ideation and taught me how to create a life worth living for and how to maintain it!  If it does all this why shouldn’t we be teaching it to everyone.


3.You won’t heal until you decide you no longer can keep living the way you have been.

There are many stages to readiness I think everyone goes through when it comes to change, healing, growth, trauma, mental instability, and even addiction and to be honest I learned this from dr. phil. He isn’t wrong either. I am living proof of it. ( I’ll do a separate blog post to break down how this actually happened later) I Had for a long time now known intellectually I needed help, and I knew it needed to happen. I read the self help books, made the Pinterest boards, got the supplies, would schedule appts to meet a therapist or to go back, would get back on meds. I would take the steps, gather the knowledge, and the resources but, never follow through with it or act on it. I would get spurts of being emotionally ready for the sake of others and because others told me they needed me to as well. But, until I hit this soul wrenching moment where I was jobless, living in one room with my husband, 3cats, and my newborn son, I had not eaten in 2 days, and I was sitting on the floor with a note in my hand and a plan, and I heard my son make a noise in his sleep while napping and I felt it from the depths of my soul and that I simply could not live like this anymore no matter what. I couldn’t keep feeling that way, and barely existing. Until then, and that moment happened, did I finally have the determination, strength and reason to heal and recover.

4.Family truly is what you create it to be. Blood will not always be there for you or support you.

Family support is not something I am familiar with. Even launching this blog and site, becoming a professor, and all my political work I don’t receive support or even congratulations from my family. It just isn’t something that happens and I’ve come to be okay with it and no longer support those who don’t support me in return and I have done that by creating my family. Truly grasping and understanding that at its core family means those cheering you, supporting you, holding you up, making you feel heard, loved and proud of you. You can get all this and build this with anyone they don’t need to be blood.

5.Boundaries will cause you to lose people.

Plain and simple some people can not handle boundaries and you will lose some if not many when you put them in place AND enforce them. They see them as control or rules and they fight it. Some people can’t handle change and aren’t able to grow and evolve with who you are and can’t give you things they simply do not have like respect for your growth thru boundaries.

6. Letting go doesn’t mean you bury the past. It means you radically accept it and understand that it simply was.

I have heard on a loop in my life from family to just let the past go. First it’s toxic to say to every situation to just let it go. Just letting it goes comes with the huge implication that you don’t need to work thru the emotions and/or events that need to be let go. Not working through things like can cause lasting long term affects. It also implies no accountability for someone to need to take or changed behavior by them which continues an unhealthy relationship and/or abuse. Lastly, it takes away from the impact an emotion/person/ or event had on that person and in some cases you are continuing the abuse in a form of gaslighting.

7.To truly transform your life and you, you must burn it down to the ground in order to grow back in the most fertile soil beneath  the ashes. 

There honestly is a shit ton to unpack with this one and it is one of the biggest lessons I have learned and that I do my best to remind others of when they are struggling or on a healing journey. If they are really truly wanting radical life altering change they will have to burn their whole way of life to the ground, their thought patterns, fear and more to achieve it. We see this in nature time and time again. after a forest fire or a volcanoes eruption happens in that area what happens next? The land is cleansed, it heals, and it comes back more fertile than ever to sustain a whole new ecosystem.

I can speak to this on so many levels in my own personal life and journey. Every single time I have evolved and moved through to my next step in my healing journey my life, me, and my thought patterns have been burnt to the ground. Hell my home has even burnt down twice in my life and each time I was able to rise from the ashes in growth. It is even something they make sure to teach and have you understand in the ORIENTATION for DBT therapy/ treatment. That majority of your time in the program you will be sitting in stage 1 where your world, relationships, and you are burning down, on fire and the flames are almost to much to bear but, you claim through that to a whole new way of being and seeing the world.

“The ashes of your existence will fertilize the soil for the universe to follow.” -Richard Kadrey

8.Every day is about progress not perfection.

This right here is a key factor to me meeting so many of my goals from last year, being able to keep my commitment to DBT and graduate the program, and to so much of my growth and change. I am a chronic people pleaser, a perfectionist, and someone who is very comfortable in routine and control. I live my day to day life with OCD as well which has my brain on high alert, and I have done so much work to get it to a manageable place and the threat level I feel from disorder isn’t so catastrophic anymore. *( Do I still obsessively clean more than others, have rituals and routines I must do and fight to maintain order more than I go with the flow? Yes of course. But, I no longer think quite literally if I a blanket isn’t perfectly straight on my couch I am in severe impending danger if I do not fix it immediately. Will I still fix it? of course but, it isn’t detrimental if I don’t anymore).

Hanging on to this mantra, repeating it to myself daily, writing it over and over in my BUJO, putting it on sticky notes up in my house, and on my goal board helped ground me and give me an IMENSE amount of grace I needed to be giving myself. It allowed me to navigate my emotions without letting them get overwhelming and cause a shame spiral and it brought me back to my own humanity. By reminding myself I am just as flawed as any other human being on this planet that I give grace to each and every day. And I deserve to be given it as well.

It also helped me be realistic with my goal setting, my expectations, and with my true reality and circumstances I was in.

9.Relationships that are one-sided are draining and not worth the energy.

This is pretty self explanatory but, I want to make a distinction with this. I am a very kind soul, I pride myself in that. I am very empathetic and I do many things in my life and with my time to help those from many different communities. I do this because it simply is who I am, I can not do it, and I deeply want to help others. I never help others with any expectation of things in return and I will never be that way. This is not a tit for tat kind of lesson or thing here. This is about simply getting the basics from others in energy exchange within relationship structures. It’s about not always having to be the one making plans to see them, not being the first one to reach out, having them be interested in your life, give you basic support, and simply put treating you with basic human decency. When even those things can not be met, a relationship is so draining it toxic for you and should be removed.

10. Mental health goes hand and hand with your magic and spiritual practices.

These two are so intricately linked you simply can’t work on one without the other. Or have one affect the other. Are there things magic can be the only answer too? yes. And are there things mental health can be the only answer too? yes. But, overall if you are disconnected or unstable in one the other will only be able to flourish as much as the other. I am going to be writing so much on this and break it down for you all on this journey with me.

11. If the soil you are growing in isn’t fertile and healthy you won’t grow.

You can do all the self development in the world. You can do all the therapy programs in the world. You can do all the shadow work in the world. But, if you are living in an unhealthy, unstable, toxic and maybe even abusive environment. Or your environment is populated by one or more unhealthy, unstable, toxic, or maybe even abusive individuals. You will never FULLY heal, evolve, awaken or fulfill your sacred contracts this lifetime around now. You can heal, and use skills to help you through being in those environments and/or individuals because, we may not be able to get out of or away from them. But, until you are able to get out of them or away from them you will can’t FULLY bloom. Just like plants, flowers, and trees around the planet you can’t grow and flourish in poisons and infertile soil.

12. Self care! Self care! Self care! There’s a reason everyone talks about it!

Like it says self care there is a reason everyone and anyone talks about it. There is a reason every therapists and therapy program I have seen and/or been apart of has tried to get my brain to understand this simple yet inhuman concept in our society. It makes such a difference when you recharge your battery and make sure you have enough energy in all ways from emotionally, physically, mentally, to pull from and use. But, just remember it is going to look different for each and every one of us, and it will look different for you at different times. Some days your self care needs will be small and some days they will be great just listen to your energy and do what you need to do.

13. You become a better parent when you are mindful and fully present in each interaction with them.

Understanding what it means to be fully mindfully present in each moment and what you are doing makes a world of a difference in your interactions with your children and their attachment to you. You can do all the “right” things and check them off each and every day in your to do list and schedule but, they won’t have the full impact unless you are fully mindfully there for them to absorb, learn, and attach to you.

14.The universe will keep giving you the same lessons to learn until you respond differently.

If you feel stuck or like your life follows a cycle or pattern and you keep ending up in the same place in life or going through the same hardships over and over again. There is a reason for that. Take stock. Do some shadow work. Notice the pattern and where it isn’t changing and make a plan to change it! Do the work to change it! The lesson will keep coming back and hitting you in the face with that lesson until you finally learn it. That’s the beauty and the way of sacred contracts.

15.Marriage is not 50/50 or equal the goal is for it to be fair

This was really humbling for me to learn this year. And I know so many are going to buttheads with this lesson just by reading that sentence ( which is why I am doing a whole seperate post on this alone). But, let me give you small rundown on why. This lesson was taught to me by my dbt therapist and at first I fought her immediately and did not agree until I let her expand and explain. 50/50 means at all times not matter what the circumstances are things should be split down the middle in responsibility between you and you partner right? That’s how most would view that philosophy, myself included. There are a handful of reasons why there is something wrong with that but, the main few are; if you really think about it if you have a loving, stable, 50/50 equal partnership is it really? every single day? Is every task and responsibility whether its something you are capable of doing shared down the middle with your spouse? For example I know very little about the internet and technology, how it runs and how to problem shoot and fix issues. My brain literally can’t wrap my mind around some of it. Do I help my husband with half the workload of those things? Nope I don’t. And I am so grateful he does that for me since my brain literally can not understand it and than I am his living breathing spell check since its something his brain has a very hard time with.

The other major issue with being 50/50 is what happens when your partner simply can’t carry their half of that weight or even a quarter of that weight? Whether it be due to medical issues, illness, or mental health illnesses. What happens than? When all your partner can do is focus on not ending their own life? When they are in the midst of treatment and therapy? When they are so depressed every ounce of energy and will power they have goes to waking up each and every day so they can’t help with the finances? What happens when all your partner can give you is 5% of their 50%? A lot would say leave , its toxic, you wont ever be happy etc. What should happen is the other partner adjusts, and understands that being fair NOT equal matters so much more when your partner just doesn’t have their equal share to give to your or your relationship. You fill the space and the gaps your partner needs help with, you lift them up, you support them and you carry as much of their weight as they need until they are able to take some or more of it back and you adjust the load distribution again. If my husband wouldn’t have been able to adjust and take a massive portion of my load for over 3 years I would not still be alive today writing this post for you all to read. The gratitude, love, and understanding that he gave me was what a soul partnership truly means and now that I get to carry his share of his load for as long as he needs I am really being shown humility, grace, and a true understanding of this lesson and what a marriage should look and feel like.

16.Being authentically you. Draws other to you wanting to do the same.

17.One person can truly make a huge impact to those around them! And others may never know about it.

18.When you step into your sacred purpose and reveal your sacred contracts to yourself paths open up to you.

I talk about sacred purpose and sacred contracts all the time. If you are reading this and one of my students already I doubt I go one class without bringing it up or talking about it. They are just so crucial to who you are, why you reincarnated this lifetime, who you are meant to interact with, your awakening, and of course true pure happiness this lifetime. And let’s not forget how each of our contracts are meant to benefit the collective as whole. When you do the work, open your energy channels, your heart, your eyes, and your ears to what it or they are and you embrace them with a willingness to move through them and fulfill them paths will simply unfold before you to take or not take. Paths you had never looked to see will suddenly be illuminated for you to no longer ignore. And it’s okay to embrace them and still have some doubt, or fear, or anxiety about them a does of those are healthy to have and they serve a purpose just don’t allow them to reach an unjustifiable level and hinder you.

19.There’s no such thing as a “bad” emotion. Every emotion serves a function.

If you hear this and your whole being rejects it, trust me I get it and you are not alone. Learning this lesson took serious brain rewiring to be able to integrate into my life and I at times still have slips ups of judgmental thoughts towards my emotions. But, this is 1000000000% true. Every single emotion is serving a function and communicating something to you and it is valid. It is your job to determine what the function is, what it is communicating to you, and if it is at a justifiable level of intensity. That is what emotional regulation is. This idea of bad emotions or negative emotions that we should never feel or just do our best to work through as quickly as possible is something we as humans in society did to emotions. Why? I will never know. But, we have to work hard to step away from this and truly understand to be human is to feel and experience the full spectrum of emotions.

20. Learning your worth is liberating.

This one is still a work in progress but, how much freedom it has given me from shame, guilt, and self doubt already is immense!

21.Every birth especially a rebirth requires a death to happen first

Everything in the multiverse is about balance, duality, and this cosmic dance of give and take. It’s the one universal truth I will stand my ground on that is true and it simply can not be fought. It is how the multiverse and everything that is comprised of its energies is able to exist. It is both creating and destroying at all times to keep all this energy moving to exist. and when you create, it is the act of birthing which means something must die first to make space and recycle energy and matter. This is something I will be going really deep on soon!

22.You Can have all the knowledge in the world but, it won’t matter unless you use it to act.

23.It’s possible to create a life worth living for!!

The fact that I even typed this out is such a huge deal! I never in my life thought this would be something I could have. I never even entertained the idea so much so I couldn’t even envision my life, what I wanted, what I could look it, what it could like, none of it. Until this past year, I had ping ponged all over the place with dreams, goals, and who I was going to be because I simply couldn’t see a time or a day where I didn’t want to die and I really truly wanted to be alive and thriving instead of simply existing. how could I have when I had spent my whole life I have access to the memories of wanting to die, trying to die, and wising I simply wouldn’t wake up the next morning? But, guess what?! You can do it! I know that now!