Tag: june

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Working With The Loving, Bright, Vital, And Balancing Energy Of June

Every single month has its own energy, and frequencies we can connect to that are unique. When we connect to the month’s energy and frequencies we can find ourselves living a much more aligned, and magical life. We have the ability to amplify our magical workings, intentions, and manifesting. Let’s talk about how to do that with the month of June.

An explosion of vitality shines brightly down on the Earth this month from the Sun. And that joy of living is transferred to the spirit in everything all around us like; in the activities of humans, like camping, BBQS, concerts, community events, and an increase in weddings this month. In the full hustle and bustle of nature with young running around now, gardens fully growing, and flowers blooming. We see it even in celebrations this month. Like the arrival of midsummer with Litha and the longest day of the year when we observe the height of the sun. The celebration of all kinds of love, with the celebration of the LGBT community being Pride month. Then the focus of fatherly love on father’s day. This month has also been known from antiquity in rome and greece to be the best and most popular month to get married. Love is around every corner in June; sexual love as well as self-love through your self worth, fatherly love and romantic love through marriage and relationships.

The month of June continues the fiery and passionate energy of May with the sun intensifying that energy and the days beginning to get longer. The month of June is vibrant, energetic, creative, lustful, fertile, joyous, bright, loving, and brimming full with the vitality of the sun. Once the celebration of Litha happens, the days begin to get longer, and we enter the second half of the year; this month becomes all about self improvement, reevaluating our goals and intentions, organization, cleaning/cleansing, and performing magic for strength and motivation.

In the month of June we see some themes from both May and April continued as well. It’s a time like the previous months to honor the sun’s power, celebrate the Earth’s abundance, and harness the energy of growth and vitality. This month continues to be a time to focus on positive change, growth and new opportunities. As well as taking the time to celebrate under the vibrant rays of the sun your successes you have already had this yearly cycle. This month is a time to truly focus on aligning ourselves with the natural rhythms of the solar system and the turning of the wheel through the brightest rays of the sun we will have access to throughout the year. This month is a time to align ourselves with the sense of balance that we are pushed into with it also being the midway mark of our chronological year.

Make sure to use those energies and themes to nourish your seeds planted in March, that you watered in April, and you Nourished in May. Focus on making sure you are allowing the joyous, loving and Vital rays of the sun to shine onto your manifestations, intentions, and goals for the year. Allow them to soak up those rays so they can flourish, and grow even bigger than you ever imagined during the brightest and most vibrant month of the year.

History Of The Month Of June

The month of June is named after the Roman Goddess of Marriage, Juno. It may also be derived from the Roman word iuniores meaning “young ones”. Some scholars also believe it is also possible that this month was dedicated to the Junior branch of the legislature. June is known as the sixth month of the Gregorian Calendar, and June is considered the first month of summer.

The month of June also featured other prominent symbols like hera, Danu, and even Zeus where we see balance in this month again. Zeus, the ‘father of all gods’, was honored in mid-June (mid-summer) in Ancient Greece, which is the reason many believe the origins of Father’s Day, our honoring and celebration of fathers this month, is actually associated with this god.

Zodiac Signs For The Month Of June

People born in June are either Geminis (May 21–June 20) or Cancers (June 21–July 22):
Geminis are represented by the Twins, Geminis are said to be smart, curious, quick-witted, and social butterflies. They are also known for juggling many passions, hobbies, careers, and friend groups.
Cancers are represented by the Crab, Cancers are said to be intuitive, caring, protective, and empathetic. They are also said to be able to exist in both emotional and material realms, and are willing to do whatever it takes to protect themselves emotionally.

Sacred Days And Celebrations In June

Every Single month has sacred and important days and celebrations to help you connect to the energies of the month. Plus they usually are a lot of fun to take part in! Let’s talk about a couple of the sacred days and celebrations for the month of June.

Litha/ Midsummer

The Summer Solstice; the longest day of the year! This pagan holiday, also known as Litha, is all about celebrating the light in our lives the sun! As we look around us and see in nature our gardens starting to sprout, flowers blooming, the birds flying around, the bees zooming about pollinating, and the grass coming back from winter we know we have the warm, bright, and vibrant sun to thank for it. Litha is a time to celebrate the abundance and beauty of the Earth. It truly is the celebration of the fullness of nature and the strength and power of the sun.

It’s another fire festival like the one we celebrated last month Beltane. But, it also is a time when we both celebrate the Sun while also remembering that darker days are coming. With the realization that the days will steadily begin to grow shorter; and that this is a fire festival it becomes another sabbatt when we get to connect to our passions, desires, and the things that truly bring us joy in life.

Litha is a pagan holiday and also one of Wicca’s eight sabbats that takes place on the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. It’s also known as Midsummer and is celebrated around June 21 in the Northern Hemisphere. The word “Litha” comes from the Anglo-Saxon word for “midsummer”. To learn more about this sacred celebration and day keep an eye for my upcoming blogpost and my Free event!

Father’s Day

Father’s Day is a holiday honoring one’s father, as well as fatherhood, paternal bonds, love from the divine masculine and the influence of fathers in society. In Catholic countries of Europe, it has been celebrated on 19 March as Saint Joseph’s Day since the Middle Ages. Zeus, the ‘father of all gods’, was honoured in mid-June (mid-summer) in Ancient Greece, which is the reason many believe he is the origin of Father’s Day in that region as well.

In more modern times in the United States there are two different versions of the history of father’s day. According to some accounts, the first Father’s Day was celebrated in Washington state on June 19, 1910. A woman by the name of Sonora Smart Dodd came up with the idea of honoring and celebrating her father while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon at church in 1909. She felt as though mothers were getting all the acclaim while fathers were equally deserving of a day of praise. The other story of the first Father’s Day in America happened all the way on the other side of the country in Fairmont, West Virginia on July 5, 1908. Grace Golden Clayton suggested to the minister of the local Methodist church that they hold services to celebrate father’s after a deadly mine explosion killed 361 men.

Pride Month

LGBTQ Pride Month is a commemoration of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer community that is part celebration and part protest. It is often associated with massive parades and parties that honor the community’s joys and accomplishments. This month is really all about the idea of celebrating all kinds of love no matter how it may look to others. But the rallies, marches and political actions can be just as important to draw attention to the issues still facing the community. LGBTQ Pride Month traces its roots back to the 1969 Stonewall riots, which started on June 28, 1969. The first Pride marches started the following year, on June 28, 1970, to commemorate the multi day riots, and these one-day celebrations eventually evolved into a full month of LGBTQ pride.

Other Sacred Days

  • June is Black Music Month, Caribbean Heritage Month, and LGBT Pride Month
  • The first 12 days of June are sacred to Hera
  • Father’s Day is the 3rd Sunday in June
  • The Summer Solstice is celebrated on or around June 21st in the Northern Hemisphere (it is the Winter Solstice in the Southern Hemisphere)
  • In Europe, Midsummer’s Day is celebrated on June 24th
  • Litha is a Midsummer holiday celebrated by many pagans and Witches usually falling between June 20th-22nd
  • St John’s Day is June 24th
  • Icelandic custom says that you won’t age that year if you bathe in the morning dew on June 24th.

Magical And Witchcraft Themes For June

In witchcraft, June is a time of abundance, vitality, and celebration. As the height of summer approaches in the Northern Hemisphere, witches embrace the warmth and energy of the sun. As we talked about above June is associated with the summer solstice, also known as Midsummer or Litha, a time of celebration marking the longest day of the year. Which connects us to themes like energy, motivation, self improvement, strength, balance, duality, and vitality. We also see many witches using this time to perform spells and rituals for fertility, abundance, and prosperity by connecting to the nourishing energy of the sun and the vibrancy and movement of life all around us in nature.

The Gods And Goddesses Of June

With every season and month there are certain themes, magic, and energies we have the ability to connect to including deities. Everyone works with and views deity energy a little differently. Whether you view them as archetypes of the human consciousness, representations of the source energy, or as being entities on their own, there are certain deities that now is the time to connect to and honor them in the most sacred and amplified way.

During this month a few deities take center stage because they have festivals or sacred days during this month to help you connect with them in a very intimate way. The deities that are going to be the best for you to connect to right now are going to be those who represent love, abundance, personal development, balance, courage, personal power, and the Sun. You can also work with any deities connected to sacred days like Litha. Below we will talk about some of the deities you can work with this month.

Iris

First up in honor of pride and the connection to the rainbow let’s talk about the greek goddess Iris. Iris, is the Greek Goddess of the Rainbow and Messenger of the Gods, and she has an important place in Greek mythology. Known for her vivid look and elegant presence, Iris is the divine connection between gods and mortals. But Iris is more than a messenger. She symbolizes the radiance, brilliance, and enchantment of rainbows, a sight that humans have been charmed by for a long time. Iris is different from other goddesses. Other gods sometimes meddle with human affairs out of fun or interest. But Iris is devoted to her mission. She shows loyalty and adherence to duty, never stopping in her mission to keep communication between Olympus and Earth open.

Even though she is most well known as the goddess of rainbows and messenger to the gods; she is also known as a goddess of the sea and sky. In some regions she is depicted as a virgin goddess and was believed by the coastal-dwelling Greeks to replenish the rain clouds with water from the sea. She was often described as Hera’s personal messenger and one of her handmaidens. Since this month is all about love and the first part of it is dedicated to Hera this makes it a really great month to work with her! To learn more about her you can read all about her in my previous blog post here. And keep an eye out on my facebook page for a soon to be announced event to connect with her!

Juno

Let’s talk about Juno the goddess June is named after next. Juno, the Roman goddess of marriage, the family, and childbirth was a paramount figure embodying the sanctity and power of matrimonial union and the family. The Roman goddess Juno is among the first gods and goddesses of ancient Rome who is in charge of the women’s lives in the state. Juno’s symbol, which is a peacock, represents her watchful vigilance and her role as the protector of the community. It is assumed that the term “Juno” meant “the young one” because of her association as the goddess of the new and waxing moon. This celestial connection perhaps implying the idea of growth and beginnings, aligns with her domains.

Today, it is accepted that the Roman goddess Juno has the title “Regina” meaning Queen which gives her the title of the “Queen of the Gods.” Juno, being a multifaceted deity, was also the wife and sister of Jupiter, the King of all the Roman gods. She was often represented as the female counterpart to Mars the god of war, highlighting her influence in both the domestic and political spheres. Although the Roman goddess Juno had dominion over family, marriage, and childbirth, she is often depicted to be in a warlike stance, an illustration that is often favored upon by Roman soldiers.

Hera

Next up we have another queen of the gods but, this time from greece who is very closely linked to Iris as well, Hera. Hera, the queen of the gods, holds a significant place in Greek mythology. Hera, was born to the Titans Cronos and Rea. Hera’s marriage to Zeus, known as the hieros gamos or sacred marriage, stands as a central aspect of her mythology. Together, they symbolized the union of sky and earth, with all the gods presenting gifts to celebrate this momentous occasion.

Hera’s legendary jealousy and relentless pursuit of Zeus’ extramarital affairs are well-documented. As her husband’s infidelities became apparent, she unleashed her wrath on his lovers, seeking retribution for their trespasses. From nymphs to mortal women, Hera’s persistent and often vengeful nature showcased a dimension of her personality that was both formidable and unyielding. Hera played a pivotal role in the Judgement of Paris, an event that sparked the Trojan War. Alongside Athena, Aphrodite, and Eris where we see her jealous on full display. To learn more about this story and hear a detailed account. I retell it here in my class on the dark goddess Eris.

There are many connections she has with other deities of the pantheon as well including her role in the birth of Artemis and Apollo. And her connection to the goddess of rainbows Iris. Who was often described as Hera’s personal messenger and one of her handmaidens. She is often depicted next to her in many pieces of artwork and in myths. Hera even supported the legendary hero Heracles, commonly known as Hercules, and aided him during his trials. Hera’s interactions with other gods and goddesses shaped the course of mythology and played a significant role in several legendary stories.

Danu

Danu a celtic goddess, also known as Anu or Dana, she represents the divine maternal figure and her influence spread throughout Eastern Europe to Ireland. Danu was worshipped as a goddess of fertility, wisdom, and the wind. She nurtured the gods and she adopted became known as; the Tuatha Dé Danann, the Irish pantheon associated with the fairy folk.

Danu played a vital role in Celtic cosmology, embodying the nurturing and fertile aspects of femininity. As a goddess of fertility, she was associated with the abundance of the land and the growth of crops. Danu was also revered for her wisdom and connection to the wind. It was believed that she possessed profound knowledge, acting as a guide for the gods and the mortal inhabitants of the Celtic world. According to ancient Celtic beliefs, Danu not only nurtured the gods but also served as a protector and sustainer of life.

Zeus

Zeus, the Greek god of the sky, is considered the ruler, protector, and father of both gods and humans. Known for his ability to control thunderstorms and powerful weather phenomenal. Zeus was the sister and husband to Hera. Zeus also had numerous extramarital affairs, often assuming animal forms to seduce his lovers and these affairs had significant impact on the greek mythology and the other deities.

Zeus was the son of Cronus and Rhea, two powerful titans. Cronus, fearful of being overthrown, swallowed his children at birth. However, Rhea managed to save Zeus by hiding him on the island of Crete. As Zeus grew up in secrecy, he became determined to overthrow his father and free his siblings. With the help of his mother and the Titan Metis, Zeus devised a plan to make Cronus regurgitate his swallowed children. Upon defeating Cronus and the titans, Zeus became the ruler of the world and the heavens. Zeus presided over the council of gods and playing a crucial role in maintaining order and justice. He was revered as the protector and father figure of gods and humans alike. Which is why I listed him here in the list for the month of June. Many scholars feel that father’s day being this month may be tied to honoring him as the father figure to all.

Correspondences For The Month Of June

First, what is a correspondence? A correspondence is an item or symbol that is meant to connect you to a specific energy thru it’s representation. It is seen also as an item to respect, honor, and venerate that energy as well whether it be a deity, an archetype energy, the zodiac energy the moon is currently or for time of the year like a month, which I will list below for you to use. Remember this is just a start to the list for you. You can use any correspondences that connect the magical themes and energies of June. Just follow your intuition on what you choose to work with!

  • Planet- The Sun and The earth
  • Animal- Peacock, wren, birds, frogs, butterflies, monkey
  • Element- air and water
  • colors- yellow, orange, gold, green
  • Chakra- Solar Plexus and Heart chakra
  • Herbs- roses, honeysuckle, lavender, lily of the valley, dill, tansy, vervain, clover, lemon grass, skullcap, mosses, parsley, orchid, yarrow, meadowsweet
  • Stones/ crystals- pearl, moonstone, alexandrite, citrine, carnelian, blue lace agate, fluorite, herkimer
  • Deities- Hera, Juno, Iris, Danu, Zeus, Aphrodite, Hestia, Isis, Cerridwen, the green man, Pan, Neith, Amaterasu, Venus, Aine, Ishtar
  • Symbols- sylphs, hearts, wedding knots, crowns, floral wreaths, fires, the sun, blooming flowers, couples, eggs, rings, strawberries, alcohol
  • Zodiac- Gemini and Cancer
  • Trees- Oak
  • Themes- commitment, love, union, marriage, fertility, romance, abundance, passion, expression, creativity, joy, duality, balance, Loyalty, trust, fairy magic, communication, clarity, success, Energy, self esteem, goals, movement, vitality, strength, expansion, transformation, rebirth, renewal, organization, preparation, family, enhancement

How To Connect To The Magic Of June

We’ve talked a lot about all the different types of energies the month of June has and gives us access to work with. So, how can you specifically connect to those energies? In your everyday life you can make sure your affirmations , intentions, and manifestations align with the energies of love, desire, passion, maternal love, Paternal love, creativity, family, transformation, joy, energy, and fertility. You can celebrate and honor any of the sacred days and holidays like Litha and work with the season of summer. You can take the time to really truly work on expressing your most authentic self proudly, to connect to the energy of pride all month long as well.

Some Rituals and spell workings during this time that will be really intensified will be based on growth, and fertility. You can do things like create a lucky money bag, a prosperity bowl, or perform some spells using egg magic. June is a time of the year where many witches are able to really connect to the Sun and all of nature around us. We can use this time to physically reconnect with nature through all kinds of nature magic, earthing, grounding, weather magic and elemental magic.

With Litha and the longest day of the year upon us in the month of June this is one of my favorite times to perform solar magic. These spells will be really potent for you right now and allow you to do things increase energy, add protection to your home and family, and work on your self esteem. You can also use solar magic to help you create balance and harmony between, the you that you allow others to see and the one you keep hidden inside. You can do this through mirror magic with the sun and calling on the sun during shadow work. To start working with the sun and solar magic this month you can begin by greeting the sun each morning in prayer and gratitude using many methods across cultures. To learn more you can read my extensive guide on solar magic here.

Other rituals and spell workings that would be powerful to perform during the month of June will be based on Love, sex, and divine union. The month of June starts with the continuation of the fiery and passionate blaze of sex and co creation with Beltane happening last month in May. That energy is felt throughout the entire month and reignited in the energy of Litha. You see it in nature even as the bees are busy pollinating flowers, the animals are mating, and humans are all about love and marriage this month with weddings happening all the time. I myself got married this month. So, take the time to really allow yourself to access your true desires and passion. By expressing your love and union through your physical bodies this month by doing some sex magick rituals or spells. I personally love sex magic within my marriage it really strengthens our bond, and you get access to some really magically connections.

With June being connected to Litha and the turning point of the year Another way you can access the energy of expansion is through the expression of transformation and the element of water. To access this expression you can do things like journal, do an auto scripting session, water release work, work with your sacred contracts, and perform spells that help boost your confidence and self esteem to help you transform. You can also focus on transformation, rebirth, and renewal through shadow work this month as well allowing the sun in to illuminate your shadows. If you would like to learn more about shadow work you can purchase my eBook here;  you can book me for a 1:1 session as your guide here; You can register for my upcoming 6 week workshop series starting June 19th on the topic here; and you can watch my free class previously taught on it through Divination here.

This month is the perfect month to really let your expression of transformation run free and work on new projects and ideas you really want to bring to life this year. The ones that allow you to truly align with your most authentic self for all to see shine brightly.

Spell and Ritual Ideas

  • Create a spell jar for the month of June
  • Refresh your altar
  • Connect to any deities of the month
  • Cast a sex spell or ritual
  • Perform flower magic
  • Fertility Spells
  • Chakra balancing– the solar plexus and heart chakra
  • Perform Green witchcraft
  • Make a simmer pot to call in love, family, transformation, fertility
  • Add symbols of love to your altar
  • Add a separate altar for Just self love, marriage, or your family
  • Make sun water
  • Spend time in Nature grounding and/or earthing
  • Do elemental magic with the element air and water
  • Shadow work based on; true passion and desire, self worth, manifestation, and abundance
  • Work with both the divine feminine and divine masculine
  • Dance, move and open up your hips
  • celebrate Litha with a bonfire or any other rituals
  • Get married or perform a commitment ceremony or hand fasting
  • Perform solar magic
  • Cultivate self love through self love magic and rituals like a ritual bath
  • Perform divination like tarot to connect to new ideas and projects
  • Greet the sun through prayers, or the sun salutation greeting
  • Make Rose Water
  • Send wishes out on the wind
  • Do a water release ritual for emotions, traumas, worries, or stresses

Other Ways To Celebrate And Work With June

When we want to use the energy around us to affect our magical practices and rituals we can amplify that by doing things in our every day life to align with the energy as well. You can align with the energies of love, desire, passion, maternal love, Paternal love, creativity, family, transformation, joy, energy, and fertility. You can do this with affirmations, mantras, intentions, goal setting, and being in nature By adding the emotional depth and transformation of the element of water through ritual baths, water releases, and cleansing yourself in the rain as it falls.

The month of June is a month full of love starting from left over energy of beltane, then expressions of paternal love, and the acceptance of love in forms with pride. This month take the time to focus on the energy of love for yourself, and others in all ways and really explore all facets of the energy of love this month. You can do things like making sure you get yourself outside breathing the fresh air and getting in touch with the element of water to connect to deep emotions. You can also make sure to nourish yourself and show yourself some self love by taking a self love ritual bath. Lastly, take some time to look at your relationship with your father, and with the divine father to determine if you have a father wound that you may need to work on healing this month. Also take the time to look at how you are expressing yourself through your sexual and/or gender identity. Are you being authentic with that? If you are not, why? This is a great month to allow you to freely work with that aspect of yourself and express it with pride and love.

f you didn’t start working with them the last couple months in April or May don’t worry; June is also the perfect month and time to start working with the Fae and the Faery realm. You can start doing this by planning and than planting your Faery Garden so your flowers will start blooming in the next month. Some things I recommend to have for your faery garden will be listed below and keep a look out for a blogpost coming to go in depth on adding one of these to your yard and practice.

  • Plant Foxglove and Pansies
  • Make sure to have plenty of small plants and flower bushes
  • Have small mirrors laying around
  • Decorate with shiny crystals likes quartz and agates
  • Plant roses
  • Plant berry bushes for offerings
  • Build a Fairy House
  • Include moss and mushrooms
  • Include a butterfly feeder and water station
  • Plant Nectar producing flowers and plants

Duality And The Month Of June

Since, I am a grey witch I look for the duality in every single energy I work with including sacred times like a month of the year like June. June is really just overflowing with duality in balance and in almost every sense of the energy. First, let’s look at chronologically where this month lands, literally right in the middle. This really does put us into quite a liminal space of time. We seem to be struggling between celebrating coming this far into the year and understanding we also are on the way towards the end. I don’t know about you guys but, for me my desire to create, ideas for new projects, and a refueling of the passions for my goals really comes alive in this month. But, than I also feel the pressure of completing my goals by the end of the year which will be here sooner than I usually think.

Secondly, similarly to being in the middle of the chronological year this month also connects us to the sacred day of Litha and the sun. Which is the longest day of the year and when we greet the sun on it’s brightest and most potent day of the year. To then immediately feel it begin to fade and weaken when the sun sets and moon rises. It’s a fleeting yet potent time of transformation, rebirth and death happening all at once under the bright rays of the sun. Allowing us access to a very liminal space that shines with the bright rays of the sun while being overshadowed by the long coming night that is winter around the corner.

I could keep talking about the duality of June for much longer but, the last thing I will touch on is the duality we experience in the energy of love that is overflowing in June. When it comes to working with the energy of love I am sure some light workers will argue with me until the end of time that it’s all just wanted or positive energy. But, I disagree in order to love fully and unconditionally you must first do the work to allow the space to feel and receive that level of energy. This for most is a very uncomfortable, dark, and hard process. On top of that if you are working with the energy of love in the sense of a relationship, marriage, or union that means you have to be willing to experience some uncomfortable conversations. To go through some unwanted and uncomfortable feelings to grow together as well and fully experience what love is meant to do; heal, transform and assist you in evolution.

Allow the joyous, loving and Vital rays of the sun to shine onto you this June

We talked about many things in this blogpost including the history, some celebrations, the different energies and magical themes we can work with during this month, how to connect to those energies, deities we can honor and worship, and how to work with the magic of June. No matter how you choose to work with the energies and magic of June make sure to be focused on continuing your rebirth for this year. Make sure to use those energies and themes to nourish your seeds planted in March, that you watered in April, and you Nourished in May. Focus on making sure you are allowing the joyous, loving and Vital rays of the sun to shine onto your manifestations, intentions, and goals for the year. Allow them to soak up those rays so they can flourish, and grow even bigger than you ever imagined during the brightest, most loving, and the most vibrant month of the year.

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Why Coming Out As A Bisexual Woman, In A Hetero Or Straight Appearing Relationship Was Hard

This month(June) kicks off LGBT PRIDE month! Pride month is a month dedicated to the celebration and commemoration of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender pride.

Those who identify as bisexual are among those to be included this pride month. But, bisexual people often exist in a grey area, simultaneously ostracized by the LGBTQ+ community as not “gay enough” and heterosexual people as not “straight enough.” Others tell them they are just confused, it was or is a phase, and the even more harsh to here from both communities; it’s not real and all for attention. That may explain why, according to one recent study, most bisexual people say their friends and family don’t know their sexuality.

Coming out as bisexual was a very difficult thing to do and I want to take the time to really talk about and shed light on the whys especially on the fact that we struggle to fit into either community, our identities are questioned often, and how if we are in a hetero or straight appearing relationship it diminishes our identities as bisexuals and/or ostracize us from communities.

I used to be one of those in the most category we talked about earlier in the survey. Until 3 years ago a combination between a new type of therapy and Pride month, allowed me to finally open up about my sexuality, my past, and how much being in the closet was really affecting me. I hadn’t expressed to anyone my sexualtiy not even to my husband who at the time I had been with for a decade. No one knew about my brief relationship with a girl in middle school and high school, my sexual hookups with girls, and the deep feelings of sexual attraction and desire for many of my deep friendships growing up.

People were surprised to say the least, and many didn’t believe me and said or asked quite a handful of hurtful things. I had always been in hetero or straight passing relationships in public and I ended up married in one even. It made it even harder for me since I met my husband so young, and have been together for 13 years now as I write this. Like I said, I hadn’t even discussed it with my husband until he was the first one I came out to right before my cousin and best friend. On top of that, I didn’t come out until I was almost 30 years old, at that point many asked me why it mattered now, including myself.

But, the longer I was in the closet and not public and vocal about my identity; the more I didn’t feel authentic. The more I didn’t feel honest. The more I didn’t feel whole. The more I had actually started to have some guilt in my marriage and resentment as well. And I had reached a point that I needed to figure out why I was so afraid to openly express my sexuality when I was usually so authentic about every other area of my life.

There were three huge reasons I had come up with while in reflection. The first was my hetero or straight appearing relationship really causes a lot of issues with my sexuality. Now, this doesn’t mean my husband isn’t kind and supportive or I was worried of judgement from him. The issue is the image my relationship makes others see and how they perceive me and feel about it me in different communities because of it. From my experience your made to feel, when you are in a hetero or straight relationship you for some reason have to almost just give up and hand over identity as a bisexual. You get questions from the LGBT community and the assumptions made that you are a straight when you are seen with your partner. You get doubted and not believed from the ally or straight community as well and even told, well your married now and to a man so how can you be bisexual anymore? Again, like the whole time it was just confusion and you waiting to make an ultimate choice on your identity and you chose straight.

However, my “gay side” and my “straight side” do not compete. They coexist, regardless of my partner’s gender. This is simply my identity and it doesn’t go away because, of the gender or sexual identity of my life partner. When I really realized this myself it helped me to understand that it shouldn’t matter to myself or anyone else that my relationship appears to others as a hetero or straight relationship. I am and always will be bisexual no matter the gender or identity of the person I am married too.

The second reason it was so hard for me to come out as bisexual was the grey area I talked about in the beginning that made me feel really ostracized in either community. Listening to the way others would talk about those who were bisexual both in the hetero or straight community and in the LGBT community didn’t make it seem like a welcoming and opening space for me to be out in. To be honest I still struggle with this today. In general because of being bisexual and the having to always feel like you are defending your identity, what it means in both communities and defending yourself to be included in the safe spaces. To be questioned about the validity of it, was it phase, were you just confused, and even at times being made to feel like it’s asking for attention. AND this is coming from all sides and both communities which makes it seem like being lonely in the closet may be better than having to defend yourself from all fronts at times.

The third reason was the guilt and resentment that I had started to build up in my marriage. Most of this was my fault. My husband had never given me any reason to believe that I couldn’t be open and honest with him. For me, I just wasn’t ready to come out to anyone at all about it and that had included him for a really long time. I would make comments about my preferences in women and how I found some attractive throughout the years but, I never told him directly about my identity. Eventually I started to feel guilty for not allowing him the chance to be a safe space and also for not being fully honest with him and all parts of who I was. When the guilt got really heavy I even at times felt like I had tricked him into marrying someone he didn’t fully know and that felt wrong and unfair. Which made me had to decide what felt worse the guilt about hiding it from him or the anxiety of coming out to him?

The fourth and final reason it was hard for me to come out as bisexual was I experience straight-passing privilege because of the image my relationship portrays to others. This means that most people assume I am a straight woman in a heterosexual relationship. Which does allow me to at times not have to deal with some challenges and obstacles of those assumptions if I don’t want to. Which led to me feeling guilty and like I almost hadn’t earned the right to be in the LGBT community and in queer spaces especially since I had been in the closet for such a long time.

I eventually realized that guilt is a feeling that you invoke on yourself not others so it was time for me to deal with that on my own while remembering that it was something I needed to be aware. Because, when you let that guilt and straight-passing privilege take over it can lead to the erasing of your bisexuality whether you do it to yourself like I did by not allowing myself out the closet for so long or by others making assumptions about your identity no longer existing. I do my best to also remember it’s normal to not always feel confident in my identity. It’s okay to sometimes feel discomfort, after all sexuality is a spectrum that changes as we evolve with it.

To this day I still experience being questioned, I still have to be vocal in public spaces and openly identify myself to feel like I am not allowing straight-passing privilege to erase my bisexuality, and at times I have to still struggle with feelings of guilt when in queer safe spaces and especially during pride month it gets a spotlight shown on it. I do my best to hold onto my bisexuality though and not allow it to be erased because of my hetero or straight passing relationship. Some of the ways I do that is by trying to be vocal and open about my identity, until recently I had a flag in the front window of my home ( it will be replaced), I talk about my identity often with others, and I bring awareness to my relationship and others on my social media when I can. I attend pride events and try to be in queer safe spaces and communities and find ways to bring my bisexuality into my life through shows I watch, conversations with my husband, and into my sex life without cheating.

What I ask of you if you took the time to read about my experience this pride month is if you are bisexual and in closest I hope this helped you feel safer, and seen. I hope it let you know you are not alone and there actually is a much bigger community of others out there for you to connect with. Especially if you are in a hetero or straight appearing relationship. Since, I came out of the closet I have had more than a handful of other women confide in me they identify the same way and I guard some of their doors still. Most importantly remember being bisexual doesn’t mean you shouldn’t find safety and belong in queer safe spaces.

If you are not bisexual I ask that you remember being bisexual isn’t a phase, or confusion for someone you love if that is how they identify. Even if they end up choosing a life partner that has them appear to be in a hetero or straight appearing relationship. It doesn’t suddenly make them no longer bisexual. Please don’t try and erase that part of their identity from who they are. This pride month if they are out of the closet and vocal about it don’t forget about them. Don’t allow them to be overlooked especially if they are in a hetero or straight appearing relationship. Their existence isn’t any less valid in the LGBT community this pride month. Remind them that their relationship doesn’t make them any less valid in the LGBT community and it shouldn’t make them feel that way either or like they have to hide in the closet if they still are.