Category: spiritual journey

My Journey prior to paganism and Witchcraft

As a wee bitty baby against my will I was baptized in a Lutheran church. I have very strong feelings on baptizing children into any religion and later in life I did perform an unbaptizing ritual and a chord cutting with that contract and deity. After that growing up my family wasn’t super religious until I got to middle school and my family started attending a Baptist church and my mom was remarried. And even than my parents never were devoted Christians. It always felt very surface level from them and that they were Christian for the image and when they needed financial help or support. I was always much more devote than they were and it caused many fights my teen years when I would point out some of their unchristian like behavior.

When I say devote, I mean I brought my bible with me everywhere, I was the girl at the lunch table reading my bible and saying prayers at the public school, organizing see you at the pole for the first time ever in my district and school, leading bible study groups, I had the bible memorized forwards and backgrounds due to awana, sunday school, and other bible study groups, and I went on a mission to the Dominican Republic as well. I was devoted to that religion and faith until that mission, that started to change it all for me and what happened in life afterwards.

When my disenchantment with Christianity began

My mission trip to the Dominican Republic was a turning point in my faith and who I was and who I now have become. It was a trip that caused a lot of mixed emotions for me, anger, hurt, confusion, guilt, shame, and it really began to make my faith in the Christian religion fall to pieces. Going into this trip I was so excited, so proud, and so grounded in who I was and what I stood for. I was so excited to simply go, and provide a service to help others. I deeply care about others especially when they are suffering or going through difficult times and simply wanted to help. I was so excited for the service part and focused on that. Of course I would spread the word of Jesus when I could and when it felt natural but, for me I was there to serve and help with my hands and actions.

Day one of our actual mission work and that all changed for me.

I will never forget being pulled aside after spending majority of the day playing with the kids, digging drenches and moving and tilling land for the basketball court we had come to add to the village our church had been to many times before this one. And being told I was spending too much time playing with the children and not enough time witnessing to the children.

If you know me now or knew me than, you’d expect me to immediately speak up and say “nope, that’s wrong. That’s not why I am here. I will do it my way and that’s it. In a kind way and I am here to serve first and foremost.”

None of that happened.

I got completely quiet, turned and went back to the physical labor part of our trip and that was how I finished the rest of the trip. ( until I got bit by a mosquito and got really sick)

I spent all my free time of that trip in shock/awe that conversation had even happened. I spent my time in prayer, reading the bible, and in reflection trying to figure out what had happened and if that was what I had been dedicating my life too? Had I been crusading for an institution that cared more about how many followers they had, the rules, and who their followers were? Who cared so much more about their deity, than their fellow human beings? Who thought the church was more important than what was simply kind, moral and helping your fellow human? Was this one small group of people, was it my church, was it the whole religion, was it the deity himself?

If you are reading this and at my site because you were apart of Christianity prior to this You probably had a similar moment happen and reflection follow and I am sure you have an inkling of what began to happen next for me.

Disenchantment plus Synchronicity Equals leaving the church

After that trip, I spent a lot of time reflecting and thinking looking all around me. At my fellow church goers, at the religion itself, at the text, at the leadership, and how we treated others. And than the multiverse stepped in and added another thing in my life with the beauty that is synchronicity; I took AP world History at school. That class opened up so many doors for me. I had always loved history but, it was so limited to what I had been taught at that point. And to hear what my religion had been doing globally to mankind for centuries really made me look more. On top of that being taught other religious beliefs from a source outside my church was EYE OPENING. And led to my own study of these religions and belief systems.

I started studying Buddhism, Taoism, Islam, Judaism, and at that time was being taught to me as mythology like Greece, Rome, Persia and Egypt. I would stay after class, and go and find any time I could to study and ask my teacher questions.

By the end of that school year I would no longer have a bible on me, I would no longer be saying prayer at school, and I would be fighting with my parents about forcing me to go to church and study groups. I even got to the point of just out right arguing under my breath passive aggressively out loud during sermons.

I would no longer consider myself Christian. My parents would continue to force me to keep the image up for their sake at church but, I never got baptized in the Baptist church and later would not be married with any religion whatsoever.

So, where did my path go from here?

At first, I didn’t what it was I really believed. I was going back and forth on what I wanted to do.

Did I want to look for just a strict religion or was I looking for more?

Was I looking for more of a way of life something that would be so much; a belief system, morals, religion, purpose, your answer to life and being and more?

I wanted more which is why after awhile the traditional religions I had learned about in school and started to study just didn’t seem to quite fit. Not even atheism which I was for awhile in the middle of it all.

This is how I started looking into paganism, magic, and specifically wicca.

I had never in my life doubted that magic, the occult, or mythical creatures and entities were real and existed. That is a truth I have known my entire life and I never thought it was an evil or bad thing either. I wasn’t a Christian who thought reading harry potter was evil and should be banned. I was an over the top fan actually and those books helped me survive my abusive childhood. But, that is for another post at another time.

I just never before this had thought it was something I was capable of having access too or using.

I thought it was a birthright or you had to be lucky enough to be chosen to be taught something that sacred. I also had zero comprehension of how to actually work with energy at this point so, as I look back it makes sense I had this view.

So, I very shyly and under the radar started checking out books on magic, and wicca at the library and would only read them while hiding at school or in my truck. That year was the first year I ever connected to the moon, and cast my first spell. I stayed in wicca for less than year for many reasons, some being I simply don’t agree with a lot of the doctrine, the person who founded it, and I didn’t want to be forced into a coven and space with others.

For a long time I simply looked into mythology and different ways to connect to the seasons, the moon, and the elements. I learned how to make moon water and would secretly make it on my window sill in my bedroom. But, my stepdad wasn’t really paying attention and my mom was in prison so, I was able to experiment a lot more and start to cast more and study more.

I spent the next 5-6 years really just learning and studying and doing it under the radar as much as I could because I wasn’t sure really yet what I thought and I didn’t know if I was a witch and if I was, was I willing to come out of the witch’s closet especially where I live in Central MN? So, in public I identified as Agnostic During this time I had my first encounter with a deity and met two of patron deities hades and Persephone. I met my first demon and Fae.

After, I got married around 25 I got my first altar in my home, started practicing out in the open. I Finally was able to put a name and image to my spirit guide (kitsune named kana) who had been with me for so long and I began to really connect to Shintoism and study intensely this practice and add a Kamidana to my practice. I started my journey down the path of grey witchcraft and duality at this time as well.

I spent the next 5 years studying many many topics I will do my best to list them all below. But first what do I mean by studying?

I live in an area that isn’t the best for access to resources and we tend to be at least a few years behind others as well. On top of that other practices outside of Christianity are passive aggressively tolerated here. And if you have never felt passive aggressive judgement from a Minnesotan before, its more powerful than peer pressure.

So, due to this I have been a solitary practioner until October of 2023. How I have learned and studied while being solitary ( and having very little money always) is this; I take every single free workshop I can, every free class I can. I get and read every book, grimoire, blog, essay, research paper I can find on a topic. When I say study I look at a topic from the many perspectives; magical, historical, anthropological, cultural and more. I have paid for a few programs for reiki and chakra reading/ balancing, sound healing, astrology, and crystal healing.

After, I feel I have done enough study, I have reached out to some mentors I have made connections to after taking free classes and workshops with them, and I have done the reflection, meditation, and shadow work. I get to the practical work. I plan, I prep, I practice, and than perform it. ( keep an eye out for a future blog post on the 4 P’s of experimenting with your magic) Each and every time it is an experiment grounded in the confidence of your intuition, energy and your own power and divinity.

List of topics I have studied

Many forms of divination- tarot, astrology, runes, fire scrying, mirror scrying, water scrying, and many more

Pantheons/ Religions-Greek, roman, Babylonian, Egyptian, Shintoism, Taoism, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Norse, Celtic, Irish, Germanic tribes, Hinduism, Mesopotamia, many “left-hand” path practices and many more

Deities- When it comes to deities I can list some of the ones I work the most closely with but, it’s honestly better to just ask me! Persephone, hades, Lilith, Amaterasu, Loki, Kali ma, Pan, Lucifer, Most “dark Goddess”

Sex magic, goetic magic, demonology, mirror magic, elemental magic, moon magic, crystals, Kundalini reiki, sigils, energy work, sacred contract topics, manifestation, the Akashic record, past life regression, Trauma work, shadow work, liminal work, ceremonial magic, ritual magic, deity work, channeling, meditation, building a sacred space, many “mythological” creatures/entities, hermetics, working with the rays of light, womb healing, and so much more.

I will add to this list as I can remember to add!

Where my Path is at Today

I have been a solitary grey magic practioner for about 15 years now.

And this past year I began attending a Pagan Academy as a student where my knowledge and practice was recognized and I have now become a Professor there teaching many topics, summoning deities for others and hosting rituals including casting circles and calling down the moon.

First and foremost, I consider myself a mystic and seeker of all knowledge. I study from many different sources, paths, pantheons, religions, cultures, teachers and practices. Two of my main patron deities were keepers of the schools of mysteries ( hades & persephone). And I dedicated to becoming one with the multiverse through all esoteric and occult knowledge.

I have practiced and studied from many different teachers and masters in areas such as shamanism, magic(k), witchcraft, religion and spiritual practices.

I focus my studies on being as accurate to the culture and religion as possible throughout history and representing it all.

I am a grey magick practioner which means I work with both dark and light energy and strive to maintain constant duality in my practice and life. I live and thrive in the grey.

I do not view things in the terms of “good” vs “evil” I view everything as energy and as either wanted or unwanted energy.

I believe in sacred contracts, and have discovered many of mine and strive to live in a way to fulfill it this lifetime. I’ve done a lot of past live regression and work and continue to do more to this day to unlock more of my past lives and knowledge I have gained through each incarnation. I do this through many way like currently working with a mentor on past life regression therapy, Ive done Akashic record work, studying and worked with auto writing, and astral travel and work as well.

I work with all the dark goddesses and have the ability to channel and invoke deities. I Love the connections I have with many deities and the energy they allow me access to connect to through a different perspective but, I also understand I myself am a goddess and divine being in my own right as well.

My magic is very folk, ceremonial, energy based and elemental based with some chaos magic mixed in and some others. I really do dabble in large variety.

I write every single prayer, spell, invocation, and circle casting personally I use.

I work with many divination tools and practices such as all forms of scrying, tarot, runes, etc.

I work with deity energy, archetype energy, chakras, the collective uncounscious, all forms of nature, other entities such as demons, the fae, and all supernatural entities.

I focus heavily on moon energy in practice and in my daily life and home.

My knowledge is extensive across many practices, topics and paths.

My energy and magic is naturally very healing, purifying and cleansing and I love to provide that to others as it is a key part to my soul contract.