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Betrayal Trauma, Cheating, and Rebuilding a Marriage After an Affair

Introduction: The Shattering Moment  

As the clock ticks my heart feels the weight of an anniversary approaching—a time that once symbolized love and unity but now carries the scars of betrayal. This post is born from a deeply personal place, as my wedding anniversary looms, stirring memories of a truth that shattered my world. Betrayal trauma, the kind that comes from cheating, is a wound unlike any other. The moment you discover the infidelity, it’s as if the earth stops spinning and crumbles beneath your feet simultaneously. You hear your heart shatter, a sound so visceral it echoes in your soul. In that instant, everything you believed—every promise, every shared laugh, every quiet moment—dissolves into a mirage. The person you married becomes a stranger, their face a mask you no longer recognize. Your identity fractures; who are you if not the partner of someone you trusted? Your reality warps into a labyrinth of doubt, where truth and illusion blur.

This is not just a story of pain but a journey through it—a path I’ve walked and continue to navigate. As Kayreign, the Divine Oracle of the Gods and Keeper of Mysteries, I’ve learned that betrayal is a shadow we can alchemize into light, though the process is fraught with difficulty. This blog explores the devastation of cheating, its ripple effects on relationships and self, the possibility of rebuilding trust with practical DBT-based steps, and the pivotal choice to stay or leave. It’s a raw reflection, especially as I face my anniversary, and a guide for those standing at this crossroads.

The Devastation of Betrayal Trauma 

The discovery of an affair is a seismic event. That moment when the truth lands—perhaps through a text, a confession, or an undeniable clue—feels like the universe has betrayed you alongside your partner. The world stops; time freezes as your mind races to process the unthinkable. Your heart shatters audibly, a physical ache that lingers, as if each beat is a reminder of the fracture. Everything you knew—years of building a life, sharing dreams, creating a home—suddenly isn’t real. It’s a house of cards collapsing, leaving you exposed and raw.

You look at your spouse and see a stranger. The person who vowed fidelity, who held you in the dark, is now someone you don’t know. Their actions rewrite their character in your eyes, and with it, your own identity unravels. Were you naive? Too trusting? The foundation of your reality—trust, love, security—crumbles, replaced by a fog of confusion. This is betrayal trauma, a psychological injury that cuts deeper than words can express. Studies suggest it mirrors post-traumatic stress disorder, with symptoms like hypervigilance, flashbacks, and emotional numbness. You might replay the moment endlessly, searching for signs you missed, or feel a rage that burns hotter than any spell.

Personally, the hardest blow came in a therapy session, just as I was about to reveal I was navigating this very betrayal. My therapist, unaware, said with conviction, “If I know one thing about you, it’s that you’d never stay or tolerate being cheated on.” The irony stung—here I was, mid-journey through that very struggle. That statement forced me to confront my own expectations versus my reality, a wound that took months to heal. It’s a reminder that betrayal doesn’t just come from a partner; it can echo in the voices meant to guide us.

The Ripple Effects: Relationship and Personal Impact

Betrayal trauma doesn’t stay confined to the moment of discovery; it seeps into every corner of your life. In the relationship, trust—the bedrock of intimacy—erodes. Every glance, every unanswered call, becomes a potential threat. You might question their whereabouts, their words, their love, creating a cycle of suspicion that poisons connection. Intimacy fades as vulnerability feels dangerous, and arguments flare over past hurts rather than present issues. The betrayed partner may withdraw, while the one who cheated might oscillate between guilt and defensiveness, widening the chasm.

On a personal level, the impact is profound. Self-esteem takes a hit; you might wonder if you were enough, if your worth was tied to their fidelity. Anxiety and depression can settle in, fueled by the loss of control and identity. Sleep eludes you as your mind replays the betrayal, and physical symptoms—headaches, fatigue—manifest the emotional toll. Spiritually, as someone who walks the paths of grey magic, I felt disconnected from the divine, as if the gods had turned their backs. My rituals lost their potency, my intuition dimmed, until I reclaimed my power through shadow work.

This trauma reshapes you. It can lead to hyper-independence, a shield against future hurt, or a desperate clinginess, seeking reassurance. For me, it was a battle to trust my own judgment again, to see myself as whole beyond the marriage. The journey is isolating, yet it’s a shared human experience—millions navigate this pain, each story a thread in a larger tapestry of resilience.

The Choice: Stay or Walk Away

Facing betrayal, you stand at a fork in the road: commit to rebuilding or choose to walk away. This decision is yours alone, and it’s one that demands you release the weight of others’ opinions. Friends may judge, family may push, society may whisper, but their voices cannot dictate your path. Staying means doing the hard work—fully in, not half-hearted—while leaving requires the same resolve to move forward without regret. Half-in, half-out benefits no one; it’s a purgatory of resentment and stagnation.

For the betrayed, staying is a radical act of self-love, not weakness. It’s choosing to fight for what you value, to alchemize pain into growth, but only if both partners are willing. Walking away is equally brave, a reclaiming of your sovereignty, a step toward healing on your terms. I faced this choice, torn between the love we’d built and the betrayal that scarred it. The decision wasn’t quick; it was a ritual of self-inquiry, guided by the gods, that led me to stay—for now—committing to the work with eyes wide open.

This choice reflects your values, your capacity, and your vision for the future. It’s not about proving a point but honoring your truth. Whether you stay or go, the act of deciding liberates you from external narratives, a spell of empowerment cast in the face of chaos.

Rebuilding Trust: A Possibility with DBT

Rebuilding trust after an affair is a mountain to climb, its peak often shrouded in doubt. Yet, it can be done, with intention and effort from both partners. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), with its focus on emotional regulation, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness, offers a framework to navigate this terrain. Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight; it’s a slow weave of actions, words, and vulnerability.

For the Betrayed Partner:

  • Mindfulness: Practice grounding techniques—focus on your breath or hold a stone—to stay present rather than lost in flashbacks. Acknowledge your pain without judgment.
  • Emotion Regulation: Use DBT’s “opposite action” skill. If rage surges, channel it into a journal or a safe ritual, like burning a letter, to process rather than explode.
  • Interpersonal Effectiveness: Communicate needs clearly—e.g., “I need transparency about your day”—using “DEAR MAN” (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate).

For the Partner Who Cheated:

  • Radical Honesty: Share openly, even when it’s uncomfortable, to rebuild credibility. Apologize sincerely, without excuses, and follow through with actions.
  • Distress Tolerance: Use DBT’s “TIP” skills (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing) to manage guilt or shame, staying present for your partner’s healing.
  • Validation: Acknowledge your partner’s feelings—e.g., “I see how much this hurt you”—to foster safety and trust.

Together, commit to couples therapy or DBT sessions, setting boundaries like regular check-ins or transparency with devices. Consistency is key; trust grows with each honored promise. For me, these steps have been a lifeline, though the shadow of doubt lingers, requiring daily recommitment.

Personal Reflection: The Anniversary and the Therapist’s Words

As my wedding anniversary nears, this topic feels raw and urgent. It’s a time that once held joy but now mirrors the complexity of my journey. The hardest moment came in therapy, just as I prepared to share my struggle. My therapist, with confidence, said, “If I know one thing about you, it’s that you’d never stay or stand for being cheated on.” Unbeknownst to them, I was in the midst of that very battle, choosing to work through the affair. Those words cut deep, challenging my self-image and forcing me to reconcile my values with my actions.

It was a mirror held to my soul, revealing a disconnect between who I thought I was and who I was becoming. The pain of that session fueled months of shadow work, where I explored why I stayed—love, hope, or fear?—and what it meant to honor myself. This anniversary, as I light a candle for the past and future, I reflect on that growth. It’s a reminder that healing is nonlinear, a dance with the gods of resilience and truth, guiding me toward wholeness.

Practical Steps Forward

Navigating this path requires tools and community. Seek therapy—individual or couples—to process trauma and rebuild. Join support groups to share your story, reducing isolation. Practice self-care—meditation, nature walks—to reclaim your energy. For me, weaving magic into this journey—casting spells for clarity, offering prayers to the elements—has been a salve. The gods remind me that every wound holds a lesson, every scar a story of survival.

Final Thoughts: A Journey of Alchemy

Betrayal trauma is a crucible, but within it lies the potential for alchemy—turning pain into power. Whether you stay or leave, the work is yours to claim, a sacred act of self-definition. As my anniversary approaches, I hold space for the grief and the growth, trusting that the divine weaves all threads into a tapestry of meaning. This journey is yours too—may you find strength, wisdom, and love within it.

Awaken your inner oracle: Journey with the gods in the Initiate’s Path
Join the sacred circle inside the Patreon for only $6 and get daily spells and rituals!
About Me

I am Kayreign, the Divine Oracle of the Gods and Keeper of Mysteries, a solitary grey magic practitioner with over 15 years of experience walking the sacred paths of the unseen. As a mystic and relentless seeker of all knowledge, I weave together the threads of every magical tradition—light and dark, ancient and modern—to uncover the universal truths that bind us to the cosmos. My mission is to restore and re-enchant magic in this realm, igniting its spark in every soul I encounter, and guiding you to embrace the full spectrum of your being.

My work is rooted in the power of duality, honoring the dance between shadow and light as equal partners in your spiritual journey. I hold space for you to explore all magic paths and practices, drawing from the vast tapestry of mystical wisdom to help you uncover your unique magic and sacred contracts. As the Divine Oracle of the Gods, I channel divine insights to illuminate your path; as the Keeper of Mysteries, I guide you into the depths of the unknown, where true transformation awaits.

When you work with me, you’ll learn to live in energetic balance, embracing your darkness as a source of power, not just a stepping stone to the light. I’ll hold up a mirror to reflect your authentic self—unmasked, raw, and whole—inviting you to face your past wounds, traumas, and hurts with courage. Together, we’ll alchemize every chapter of your story, dark and light, into a blazing internal flame that lights your way on even the coldest nights. Through this process, you’ll find alignment with your purpose, release what holds you back, and step fully into your power.

Come join me for community, knowledge, and to restore the enchantment of magic in yourself and life today!

Shop Now!

Explore my offerings—personalized shadow work sessions, womb healing, eBooks for self-guided growth, Tarot readings for divine guidance, and more—in my shop. Let’s journey together into the mysteries, where duality becomes your greatest ally, and magic becomes your birthright.

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A Witch’s Reflection: 10 Years of Marriage Lessons Under the Lunar Light

Blessed afternoon, my mystical kin! My heart turns inward, reflecting on a profound milestone. This Friday, June 13th, marks the 10-year anniversary of my marriage—a decade woven with love, struggle, and growth that has shaped me as a grey witch, a partner, and a mother. Today, I invite you into this sacred space to explore the top ten lessons I’ve gathered over these years, lessons etched into my soul by the cycles of life, the duality of Gemini’s energy this June, and the resilience of our bond. This journey has been a tapestry of triumphs and trials, and I share it not just to bare my truth but to honor the magic of connection that sustains us all. Let’s wander through this reflection together, my loves, as we approach this anniversary under the full moon’s gentle gaze.

Lesson 1: Marriage Isn’t 50/50—It’s a Give and Take Based on Need

Marriage, in its mystical essence, is not a ledger balanced at an equal split. For ten years, I’ve learned that it’s a dance of give and take, shifting with the tides of what each partner requires in the moment. There were days when my husband carried the weight of our dreams, his strength a shield as we navigated near homelessness, the loss of loved ones, and the terror of my near-fatal childbirth. Other times, I poured my energy into holding us together, especially after his affair shook our foundation. This lesson taught me that love isn’t about keeping score but about sensing when to offer more—be it a listening ear, a steady hand, or the courage to rebuild. It’s a spell of adaptability, cast with intention to meet each other where we stand. If you want to read more about this lesson read my previous blog here.

Lesson 2: Growing in the Same Direction Together  

The path of marriage is a shared journey, and over these ten years, I’ve seen that growth must align like roots reaching for the same light. We’ve evolved from two young souls vowing forever into parents, healers, and dreamers, our directions bending toward a common vision. When we welcomed our son, our growth shifted—his laughter became our compass. Yet, the affair tested this alignment, pulling us apart until we chose to realign, planting new seeds of trust. This lesson is a ritual of checking in, ensuring our steps forward, whether through unschooling or crafting a home, move us as one under the moon’s watchful eye.

Lesson 3: Embracing the Beauty of Change Over Time  

As the years have unfolded, I’ve come to cherish that we are no longer the two who stood at the altar a decade ago. The 22-year-old me, full of dreams, and the man he was, eager yet untested, have transformed into wiser, weathered souls. The birth of our son, the scars of survival, and the affair’s aftermath have sculpted us anew—and that’s a beautiful thing. This lesson whispers of acceptance, a magic that honors the lines on our faces and the depth in our eyes, seeing each change as a rune of resilience etched by time’s gentle hand.

Lesson 4: Intentional Commitment to Partner and Growth  

Marriage thrives on intention, a deliberate spell cast daily. For ten years, we’ve had to choose each other—through the joy of building a life, the pain of loss, and the betrayal of the affair. Intentionality means setting aside time for connection, like our date nights that ended in that deer collision, yet still held love. It’s renewing our vows in quiet moments, committing to grow together through shadow work and shared dreams, ensuring our bond remains a sacred circle under the stars.

Lesson 5: Grace to Stumble and Fall Together

Perfection is an illusion, and these ten years have taught me to grant us grace when we fall. We’ve stumbled—through financial strain, health crises, and the affair’s fallout—yet each tumble has been a lesson in rising together. Allowing space for tears, apologies, and forgiveness, we’ve learned that falling is part of the dance, a ritual of vulnerability that strengthens our love beneath the moon’s soft light.

Lesson 6: Letting Go of the Pre-Kids Ideal

After our son arrived, I realized clinging to our pre-parenthood marriage was a futile spell. Those carefree days of spontaneity gave way to a new rhythm—nights of lullabies, days of unschooling joy. The affair added complexity, but releasing the old ideal allowed us to craft a family bond, rich with laughter and love, adapting our magic to this new chapter under the sun’s warm embrace.

Lesson 7: The Art of Mindful Communication

How we speak to each other is a sacred art. Over ten years, we’ve learned to address problems, not each other—turning arguments into rituals of resolution. The affair taught us this hardest, where personal attacks could have severed us. Instead, we focused on the breach, healing it with words of care, ensuring our communication remains a bridge, not a battleground, guided by the earth’s steady wisdom.

Lesson 8: Weeding Out the Seed of Resentment

Resentment, once planted, is a stubborn weed, and the affair sowed its deepest roots. These ten years have shown me that uprooting it requires great effort—open hearts, honest talks, and time spent in nature’s healing arms. It’s a spell of persistence, tending the garden of our love to ensure no bitterness chokes our growth, a lesson etched in the soil of our shared struggles.

Lesson 9: Cherishing Small Acts and Little Moments

The grandeur of life often overshadows the small, yet these ten years have revealed their magic. A shared glance, a kind gesture like my husband’s crafted hiking stick, or a quiet meal— these moments are the threads of our tapestry. The affair dimmed them temporarily, but rediscovering them rebuilt our joy, a gentle reminder to honor the everyday under the moon’s tender gaze.

Lesson 10: Never Ceasing to Connect

Connection is the heartbeat of marriage, and after ten years, we’ve learned never to let it fade. Through triumphs like our son’s first steps and trials like near homelessness, we’ve carved out time—date nights, moonlit walks—to truly see each other. The affair nearly severed this, but our return to connection, with intention and love, keeps our bond alive, a sacred flame tended by the stars.

The Tapestry of Our Decade

Our marriage has weathered a storm of ups and downs. The ups—building a relationship, discovering ourselves, welcoming our son—have been spells of creation, each a rune of joy. The downs—near homelessness, losing loved ones, my near-death in childbirth, and the affair’s shattering blow—tested our mettle. The affair, the most profound wound, taught us forgiveness, resilience, and the power of choice. Each trial, each triumph, has been a lesson in the alchemy of love, transforming pain into wisdom under the waxing moon.

As we approach Friday, June 13th, I reflect with gratitude. This anniversary isn’t just a marker but a celebration of a decade’s magic—messy, beautiful, and ours. How do you nurture your bonds, my loves? Share your wisdom in the comments.

Awaken Your Inner Oracle: Journey with the Gods in the Initiate’s Path
Join the sacred circle inside of Patreon today for only $6 and get daily spells and rituals!
About Me

I am Kayreign, the Divine Oracle of the Gods and Keeper of Mysteries, a solitary grey magic practitioner with over 15 years of experience walking the sacred paths of the unseen. As a mystic and relentless seeker of all knowledge, I weave together the threads of every magical tradition—light and dark, ancient and modern—to uncover the universal truths that bind us to the cosmos. My mission is to restore and re-enchant magic in this realm, igniting its spark in every soul I encounter, and guiding you to embrace the full spectrum of your being.

My work is rooted in the power of duality, honoring the dance between shadow and light as equal partners in your spiritual journey. I hold space for you to explore all magic paths and practices, drawing from the vast tapestry of mystical wisdom to help you uncover your unique magic and sacred contracts. As the Divine Oracle of the Gods, I channel divine insights to illuminate your path; as the Keeper of Mysteries, I guide you into the depths of the unknown, where true transformation awaits.

When you work with me, you’ll learn to live in energetic balance, embracing your darkness as a source of power, not just a stepping stone to the light. I’ll hold up a mirror to reflect your authentic self—unmasked, raw, and whole—inviting you to face your past wounds, traumas, and hurts with courage. Together, we’ll alchemize every chapter of your story, dark and light, into a blazing internal flame that lights your way on even the coldest nights. Through this process, you’ll find alignment with your purpose, release what holds you back, and step fully into your power.

Come join me for community, knowledge, and to restore the enchantment of magic in yourself and life today!

Shop Now!

Explore my offerings—personalized shadow work sessions, womb healing, eBooks for self-guided growth, Tarot readings for divine guidance, and more—in my shop. Let’s journey together into the mysteries, where duality becomes your greatest ally, and magic becomes your birthright.

Modgepodgemystic.com

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Why Coming Out As A Bisexual Woman, In A Hetero Or Straight Appearing Relationship Was Hard

This month(June) kicks off LGBT PRIDE month! Pride month is a month dedicated to the celebration and commemoration of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender pride.

Those who identify as bisexual are among those to be included this pride month. But, bisexual people often exist in a grey area, simultaneously ostracized by the LGBTQ+ community as not “gay enough” and heterosexual people as not “straight enough.” Others tell them they are just confused, it was or is a phase, and the even more harsh to here from both communities; it’s not real and all for attention. That may explain why, according to one recent study, most bisexual people say their friends and family don’t know their sexuality.

Coming out as bisexual was a very difficult thing to do and I want to take the time to really talk about and shed light on the whys especially on the fact that we struggle to fit into either community, our identities are questioned often, and how if we are in a hetero or straight appearing relationship it diminishes our identities as bisexuals and/or ostracize us from communities.

I used to be one of those in the most category we talked about earlier in the survey. Until 3 years ago a combination between a new type of therapy and Pride month, allowed me to finally open up about my sexuality, my past, and how much being in the closet was really affecting me. I hadn’t expressed to anyone my sexualtiy not even to my husband who at the time I had been with for a decade. No one knew about my brief relationship with a girl in middle school and high school, my sexual hookups with girls, and the deep feelings of sexual attraction and desire for many of my deep friendships growing up.

People were surprised to say the least, and many didn’t believe me and said or asked quite a handful of hurtful things. I had always been in hetero or straight passing relationships in public and I ended up married in one even. It made it even harder for me since I met my husband so young, and have been together for 13 years now as I write this. Like I said, I hadn’t even discussed it with my husband until he was the first one I came out to right before my cousin and best friend. On top of that, I didn’t come out until I was almost 30 years old, at that point many asked me why it mattered now, including myself.

But, the longer I was in the closet and not public and vocal about my identity; the more I didn’t feel authentic. The more I didn’t feel honest. The more I didn’t feel whole. The more I had actually started to have some guilt in my marriage and resentment as well. And I had reached a point that I needed to figure out why I was so afraid to openly express my sexuality when I was usually so authentic about every other area of my life.

There were three huge reasons I had come up with while in reflection. The first was my hetero or straight appearing relationship really causes a lot of issues with my sexuality. Now, this doesn’t mean my husband isn’t kind and supportive or I was worried of judgement from him. The issue is the image my relationship makes others see and how they perceive me and feel about it me in different communities because of it. From my experience your made to feel, when you are in a hetero or straight relationship you for some reason have to almost just give up and hand over identity as a bisexual. You get questions from the LGBT community and the assumptions made that you are a straight when you are seen with your partner. You get doubted and not believed from the ally or straight community as well and even told, well your married now and to a man so how can you be bisexual anymore? Again, like the whole time it was just confusion and you waiting to make an ultimate choice on your identity and you chose straight.

However, my “gay side” and my “straight side” do not compete. They coexist, regardless of my partner’s gender. This is simply my identity and it doesn’t go away because, of the gender or sexual identity of my life partner. When I really realized this myself it helped me to understand that it shouldn’t matter to myself or anyone else that my relationship appears to others as a hetero or straight relationship. I am and always will be bisexual no matter the gender or identity of the person I am married too.

The second reason it was so hard for me to come out as bisexual was the grey area I talked about in the beginning that made me feel really ostracized in either community. Listening to the way others would talk about those who were bisexual both in the hetero or straight community and in the LGBT community didn’t make it seem like a welcoming and opening space for me to be out in. To be honest I still struggle with this today. In general because of being bisexual and the having to always feel like you are defending your identity, what it means in both communities and defending yourself to be included in the safe spaces. To be questioned about the validity of it, was it phase, were you just confused, and even at times being made to feel like it’s asking for attention. AND this is coming from all sides and both communities which makes it seem like being lonely in the closet may be better than having to defend yourself from all fronts at times.

The third reason was the guilt and resentment that I had started to build up in my marriage. Most of this was my fault. My husband had never given me any reason to believe that I couldn’t be open and honest with him. For me, I just wasn’t ready to come out to anyone at all about it and that had included him for a really long time. I would make comments about my preferences in women and how I found some attractive throughout the years but, I never told him directly about my identity. Eventually I started to feel guilty for not allowing him the chance to be a safe space and also for not being fully honest with him and all parts of who I was. When the guilt got really heavy I even at times felt like I had tricked him into marrying someone he didn’t fully know and that felt wrong and unfair. Which made me had to decide what felt worse the guilt about hiding it from him or the anxiety of coming out to him?

The fourth and final reason it was hard for me to come out as bisexual was I experience straight-passing privilege because of the image my relationship portrays to others. This means that most people assume I am a straight woman in a heterosexual relationship. Which does allow me to at times not have to deal with some challenges and obstacles of those assumptions if I don’t want to. Which led to me feeling guilty and like I almost hadn’t earned the right to be in the LGBT community and in queer spaces especially since I had been in the closet for such a long time.

I eventually realized that guilt is a feeling that you invoke on yourself not others so it was time for me to deal with that on my own while remembering that it was something I needed to be aware. Because, when you let that guilt and straight-passing privilege take over it can lead to the erasing of your bisexuality whether you do it to yourself like I did by not allowing myself out the closet for so long or by others making assumptions about your identity no longer existing. I do my best to also remember it’s normal to not always feel confident in my identity. It’s okay to sometimes feel discomfort, after all sexuality is a spectrum that changes as we evolve with it.

To this day I still experience being questioned, I still have to be vocal in public spaces and openly identify myself to feel like I am not allowing straight-passing privilege to erase my bisexuality, and at times I have to still struggle with feelings of guilt when in queer safe spaces and especially during pride month it gets a spotlight shown on it. I do my best to hold onto my bisexuality though and not allow it to be erased because of my hetero or straight passing relationship. Some of the ways I do that is by trying to be vocal and open about my identity, until recently I had a flag in the front window of my home ( it will be replaced), I talk about my identity often with others, and I bring awareness to my relationship and others on my social media when I can. I attend pride events and try to be in queer safe spaces and communities and find ways to bring my bisexuality into my life through shows I watch, conversations with my husband, and into my sex life without cheating.

What I ask of you if you took the time to read about my experience this pride month is if you are bisexual and in closest I hope this helped you feel safer, and seen. I hope it let you know you are not alone and there actually is a much bigger community of others out there for you to connect with. Especially if you are in a hetero or straight appearing relationship. Since, I came out of the closet I have had more than a handful of other women confide in me they identify the same way and I guard some of their doors still. Most importantly remember being bisexual doesn’t mean you shouldn’t find safety and belong in queer safe spaces.

If you are not bisexual I ask that you remember being bisexual isn’t a phase, or confusion for someone you love if that is how they identify. Even if they end up choosing a life partner that has them appear to be in a hetero or straight appearing relationship. It doesn’t suddenly make them no longer bisexual. Please don’t try and erase that part of their identity from who they are. This pride month if they are out of the closet and vocal about it don’t forget about them. Don’t allow them to be overlooked especially if they are in a hetero or straight appearing relationship. Their existence isn’t any less valid in the LGBT community this pride month. Remind them that their relationship doesn’t make them any less valid in the LGBT community and it shouldn’t make them feel that way either or like they have to hide in the closet if they still are.

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Being a mom caused me to forget being a wife and caused lost connection in my marriage

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner I know many of us are thinking about love, romance, and our relationships. Especially, those of us in marriages or committed relationships/partnerships.

I know for me during this time of year our sex life usually sees an increase or a change in style and I end up reflecting a lot on what has been going on recently and the last year of my marriage.

For me this time of year is a romance/ relationship reset. I usually am so focused the month of January on New year goal setting and planning that is more focused on myself, my family as whole, and finances etc. With all the holidays focused on connection, romance and renewal this time of year for me it makes so much sense this happens.

This year was different than all the rest.

This past year in particular had been one of the most difficult and challenging years my husband and I have had in the 13 years we have been together.

And when I say difficult; we both had many moments where we for the first didn’t know if we would actually make it and stay together. There were more fights and tears in this one year than we had experienced in the entire 12 before this. The “D” word divorce was even said many times this past year in our home.

For many reasons this year was challenging; life struggles, mental health, still adjusting to no longer being just the two of us, and financial struggles.

But, the biggest reason our connection was just off.

We were miscommunicating all the time.

We both thought the other one was attacking the other one with our words often when the other one had no intention of doing so.

Our sex life had some hiccups and slowed down for the first time, not even having our son had done this.

We both were isolating ourselves from the other one when we could and we were no longer doing things together for connection and fun. We would do things in the same room or home but, not together.

Our fights and disagreements had gotten to the point we were now saying personal attacks towards each other and keeping a tally of rights and wrongs and nothing was ever getting fully discussed or worked thru.

We both felt like we weren’t being heard and that the other was not putting in effort to mend the repairs and move our relationship forward in a more positive direction and frankly for it just to survive.

And we wanted it to survive.

Our marriage and our connection with each other has and will always be something deeply sacred to us. And even though we both had thrown out in frustration and hurt thru tears that we should separate and maybe we weren’t meant for each other anymore and had grown apart.

We both wanted desperately to get to the core of what was going on and find the effective way to navigate it. I don’t know how many times we had conversations about what the issue was, how we were going to work on it together, and what we both needed. We would end up with us just hitting another wall and both of us in tears wondering how we could have gotten here again.

Than one day recently something happened that caused me to reflect.

My little family was playing around on our bed, cuddling, laughing, tickling and by the end of it I had ended up laying across my husband in a cuddling way almost draped on him. And the comment he made next both rocked me and caused me to have to go and reflect on so much.

He said he had forgotten what it felt like to have me laying on top of him like that and it felt unfamiliar now.

Like, I said I was rocked and taken back. I was also sad and bewildered that we had gotten so far disconnected from each other. My husband didn’t recognize a feeling that used to be a very common part of our lives.

I took those emotions and thoughts and really sat with them and reflected on what this really truly means and how it had effected us. And if this could be apart of why we were struggling so much with what felt like no progress.

What came to me was obvious and surprising I had missed it.

The first thing I realized was it was true and how had I missed it? We had not cuddled like that in so long. I could try and blame it on many things; like we are a family who co-sleeps and even at almost 3 years old our son is still in our bed every night. Or that for a year I was working overnights and not even in bed 4 nights a week.

But, as I kept reflecting I knew those things couldn’t be blamed for it because, we could have added it to part of our day at others times and didn’t. So, why didn’t we?

As I was still working on figuring that out, I started to wonder were there other simple things we were not doing anymore in our marriage? And if so, how was that affecting us and how did we let those little things slip away ?

I realized quickly there were other little things we either had stopped completely, or they were not happening as often as typical for us. And even at times there were things that would only happen if we were not fighting.

We were not kissing each other as often or long. Or saying I love you. And pet names weren’t happening as often.

And that helped me realize how we got disconnected.

Our pet names had become mom and dad since we had become parents. We heard those two names from one another more than anything else.

So, they had become solely who we were. We had become just mom and dad now. We were no longer individuals let alone husband and wife. And I knew that I really had disappeared into that part of my identity personally.

Being a mom had become my priority.

For so many moms especially first time moms this is something common to happen. You all of sudden have this tiny little human that is depending on you for absolutely everything.

You are in a state of mind of overwhelm all the time as you try and learn how to both care for your new child and learn who you actually are as a mother.

And let’s not forget the constant physical overstimulation. Which by the way wasn’t even part of my every day vocabulary until I was A mother.

On top of that I have abuse, neglect, and childhood trauma that colors every parenting decision I make especially right in the beginning. I was desperate to the point of it being paralyzing at times to be break generational patterns in my family. The mindset that I am who I am in spite of my parents and upbringing could definitely be used to describe myself and my parenting.

With all this combined, I had become solely focused on being a mom

To the point where I wouldn’t even leave my son. He is almost 3 now as I write this and to this day no one has baby sat him for more than one hour ( 1 time). It took me over a year and half to even leave him alone with his dad.

I spent all day long filling every single moment with learning, developing and creating a healthy attachment with my son and my husband as a family unit.

And I had completely lost sight of not only myself and this new version of myself but, I had lost sight of my role as a wife separate from being a family. And how important daily intentions and small little things helped foster that connection.

I had forgotten how we had been just the two of us for a decade prior.

Which made my husband feel like I was forgetting him on a daily basis. And if you feel forgotten how are you suppose to stay connected to one another?

So how was I going to let my husband know that he was not forgotten and how was I going to make that connection an intentional priority each day.

By kissing randomly, saying I love you just because, making physical contact randomly when you can like cuddling during tv, talking the time each day to check in with each other as partners and not at parents, and more.

Once I realized this what did I do?

I took what I had realized and I made it my main goal to be very intentional with creating those small moments of intentional connection with my husband completely separate from my son and as a family unit.

When he was sleeping in the morning while I was up, I would go in and kiss him periodically and whisper I love him so he could start his day in love and connection every morning when he woke up. I would also make sure to stop and kiss him for 30-60 seconds throughout the day to continue to foster that connection.

I was intentional with noticing when we were alone together and made the choice to be mindful and fully present to simply just be in same space with each other and in each other’s energies instead of going to do on of the many things my brain had on it’s to do list or to go check on my son.

At the end of the day, I started checking in with him to see if there was anything I could have done differently that day to foster connection between us or if there was anything he needed from me to do that.

The difference this made and how quickly suprised me!

Seriously, in about 4-6 weeks our communication started to improve and we were fighting less often. Not personally attacking each other and taking the time to hear each other an apologize when we needed to.

I had some big issues I was working thru with my husband that suddenly were easier to radically accept. ( I will leave the details for another article. )

Our sex life improved in so many ways and now looks so different in the most liberating and cosmic ways.

The feelings of isolation were less.

The feeling unheard and misunderstood by each other was being expressed less and less as well.

We had begun to feel like a team again and like this wasn’t possibly the end of our time together in this life.

The small moments and intentions had rekindled our connection.

They had given us exactly what we needed to reset our relationship and commit to be able to keep working through this patch of growth TOGEHER IN THE SAME DIRECTION!

Are we out of the patch completely? NO. Which is why we are committed to remembering we learned and making those small moments of intentional connection happen each and every day where we are just husband and wife and not mom and dad.

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Marriage and/or a partnership aren’t meant to be equal or 50/50

I Know right away some of you have clicked on this to come at me with guns blazing ready to argue with me. To let me know how wrong I am, how young I am so how could I possibly know, and to tell me how I am anti feminist or in an unhealthy marriage.

I am going to tell you that you are wrong.

I am going to stick to the statement I made in this blog post title.

And I am going to ask that you hear me out. Read this until the very end and than tell me you don’t think and feel the same way.

My marriage and why you should even read this

I am going to get very personal in the post. I am going to talk about some deep things that have happened and are happening now in my marriage and how not viewing my marriage as 50/50 and equal is how we are still together today.

After meeting right out of high school at 18, getting engaged after only 6 months and moving i with each other, getting married after 4 years and now being together for 13 years ( married for 8) not having this 50/50 mindset is a key factor to us still being together today.

Unlike so many around us that have already divorced or will be soon. And we have outlived the national average for a marriage of 7-8 years and beat the statistics so far of meeting as teens and being too young to stay together.

It has not been all sunshine and rainbows and we more than understand ups and downs in marriages. How hard they can be to navigate, how you can get disconnected and/or grow apart or start to venture down different paths. We have been thru many things life has thrown our way and things we have done to hurt each other. But, all of that will be for later posts.

My marriage never would have survived being 50/50

What we are going to focus on in this post is this idea I keep seeing blowing up on social media; that marriages and/or partnerships if they are healthy are equal and/or 50/50. I get the appeal of thinking like that and I get the idea of how this is thought to be healthy.

But, man am I so thankful my marriage doesn’t function this way.

My marriage never would have made it this long if we had this mindset.

We would have been doomed from the start and set up for failure and I would not be who I am today as an individual nor would my husband if we had this 50/50 mindset.

With this mindset my husband should have left me a long time ago.

And let me tell you why.

What does this 50/50 mindset actually mean?

Like I touched on before I get the appeal of this mindset. I 10000% understand that equal share of responsibility, support, and dealing with life with your partner sounds like and feels like the most balanced way to go through life with a partner.

It seems fair. Let me tell you why it is not.

That isn’t the definition of fair.

Fair doesn’t mean equal like so many think it does. I myself was included in this until a therapist of mine taught me otherwise.

Fair means that something is impartial, just, and not achieving an advantage over another.

For something to be just is going to be subjective based on the people, places, and events involved and it will change and fluctuate all the time.

This fluctuating and subjectiveness is exactly why our goal and my goal is for things to be fair and not 50/50. It gives room for grace in your marriage/ partnership whereas the 50/50 mindset does not.

50/50 leaves no room for grace and support

Grace is critical to a marriage/ partnership. Both giving/ showing your spouse/partner grace and them being able to reciprocate for you when you need it.

And being in a 50/50 mindset leaves no room for grace to be in it.

50/50 means 50/50 no matter what at all times.

It means each person has their own weight to carry, their equal share of the responsibilities and its up to them to carry it so their spouse/ partner can carry theirs. It’s some peoples definition of teamwork.

With this rigid look on duties, responsibilities, and teamwork how could there be grace and true support when its needed? And without that how would you ever expect a relationship to last?

I can tell you with 100000% certainty my husband should have left me, my marriage should no longer be intact and I myself in all honesty may not have lived this long to give birth to my son, go thru therapy and treatment, hold my husband in grace now, and be writing this blog post now for you to be reading.

So, what is grace in a marriage/partnership?

I keep saying my marriage or any marriage won’t make it without grace in it which is why a 50/50 relationship doesn’t always set you up for success.

So, what is grace in a relationship?

Grace in a relationship allows for support. It allows goodwill to enter the marriage/ partnership.

It allows for one spouse/partner to be able to have bad day. It allows for give and take.

It allows for one partner to say ” my load is too heavy right now, I can’t carry it all. Is it okay if I don’t take this on right now? ” It allows for your partner or you to ask for help from the other and know you can get it.

It allows for you to be able to say you need support, to ask for it, and to receive it.

It allows for a partner to say ” hey I need you to carry 80% today I can only handle 20%.” and for the other partner to be willing and able to do that knowing that when the scales tip the other way the same amount of grace will be given to them.

It allows to truly build a team, a life, and marriage built on support.

How can not being 50/50 in a marriage look like in use and its impact

What does this look like in an actual marriage/ partnership? Let me tell you about its biggest impact on mine. How its kept us together and even me alive.

This mindset in our marriage really got put to the test shortly after I turned 25 so about 6 years ago, shortly after we got married and had been together for about 6 years at that point.

I had a quarter life crisis at the point, I completely broke to the point where I almost was or maybe should have been hospitalized. I couldn’t even leave my home, literally. If I tried I’d curl into a ball on the floor in front of my door shaking and crying in a panic attack.

It was my lowest point in my life.

I’ll have a blog post coming soon to dive really deep into that topic.

If we had the mindset of 50/50 and equal at this time my husband should have left for what happened next and the weight he carried for me and for the length of time he did it.

I lied to him about going to work, used all my time off, fmla etc, and had gotten fired.

I than spent the next three years in such a bad depression and having other mental health illnesses causing more instability, My husband was the only one who could work and we eventually ended up homeless because not even that could bring me back to carrying my own weight.

And thru it all my husband carried almost all my weight we were easily 80/20 or 90/10 no matter what he had going on because I simply couldn’t do it. I couldn’t carry a larger amount than that.

And he did so for over 3 years! Without resentment, without blame, and without pressure to push me back to carrying a larger amount of the weight. And doing so allowed me to have time for so much reflection, growth and therapy and I’m in a place we both never could have dreamed to be in.

That grace and willingness was possible because we both knew than and know now that every single day we take a look at it and see how much of the total weight we each are able to carry and in what areas.

It made it possible for me to hold him in the same space now as he goes through what I did and now it’s his turn to heal and grow while I carry most of the weight and hold him in grace and support.

Some days we are 60/40, some days 50/50, some days 80/20, and others 95/5.

Some days my husband carries more weight and others I do.

In some areas he takes on more and in others I do.

We both know that we are there to carry whatever the other needs us to in order for us to be a team truly, to grow together, and support each other when we need it, how we need it, for how long we need it for.

We both know we have a true partnership, and team and know how to truly give and take in a relationship, to be fair, and supportive of one another.

I challenge you to question your idea of a marriage and if 50/50 is truly what you want