cope ahead plan Archives - Modgepodgemystic.com

“The day I gave birth to my child was the happiest day of my life, I’ll never forget it.” This is a common thing I hear and read from other parents when it comes to their child’s birthday. Everytime I read or hear it, a few things happen; I get overwhelmed with guilt, my PTSD gets triggered, I get sad and many other things happen. May seem odd right? Of course, I feel happiness, joy, pride and all things that come with my child getting older but, I also get hit with a lot of unwanted things as well. Even as I write this now, I’m triggered and writing this post as a way to cope, since my son’s birthday is less than 48 hours away. So, why would I be feeling anything but, happiness, joy, excitement etc when it comes to my son’s birthday? For me, my birthing experience clouds my son’s entrance into this world with pain, trauma, and almost death, and that energy carries forward to affect what’s supposed to be a joyous day.

Let’s talk about how that can be, and ways I cope with it to allow as much joy, happiness and excitement in so I can be as mindful and present as I can be for such a special day.

Not, everyone’s birthing experience is the same

If you had a fairly easy and/or average birthing experience I am overjoyed for you and I can understand how this would make very little sense to you. But, we do not all experience pregnancy the same nor do we have the same birthing experiences. For some of us our birthing experiences become a very dark cloud full of unwanted energy, memories, and triggers.

My birthing experience was beyond painful, traumatic, involved over 42 hours of labor, metal rods placed in my cervix, my epidural being given late, and I almost died. As you can imagine, having all of that happen doesn’t make giving birth a memory my brain likes to go to often. Being reminded of my birthing story makes me relive it, causes PTSD, and a spiral of unwanted emotions that follow. I don’t think of my birthing story often but, what is going to trigger the memories of my birthing story the most? The day it happened; which also happens to be the day I am celebrating my child entering the world.

The day becomes a tug of war

I end up in this tug of war between emotions, triggers, and flashbacks. I deeply want to be mindful and present to soak up the joy, laughter and excitement of my son growing and celebrating. And yet, I get tugged and pulled to the other side. Where I am reminded of what almost dying feels like, of losing my entire family, the pain I experienced, the mental health crisis it caused my husband to go through having to watch, and the guilt I feel for the joy not outshining all of the trauma, and pain. I have moments where I simply break down and cry, where looking at my son can cause me to shake, and the shame/guilt spiral can get out of control.

So, how do I cope, center, and enjoy the day

In other PTSD-related situations, it’s advised to avoid triggers, but your own child’s birthday isn’t really avoidable and you don’t really want it to be. I dig into my tool kit of coping skills and pull out and use any and/or all of them that I need to be mindful and present.

Distraction– Sometimes your best option is to simply distract yourself and try to redirect your energy, thought, and emotions. This isn’t always my favorite option though because, it’s more of a bandaid and it does not allow you to be completely present in the joy and excitement of the day.

Use distress tolerance skills– A few distress tolerance skills are really helpful to recenter and get yourself back to wisemind especially if flashbacks are an issue. So,use the STOP skill to literally stop and take a moment. Or chose the TIPS skill to redirect your body and rewire your current thought pattern.

Acknowledge- Take the time to name it. Name what it is you are exactly feeling and/or experiencing and why. Giving a name to it give it power, and you need to know what you are feeling or dealing with in order to cope effectively.

Create a cope ahead plan– I have a cope ahead plan for this day every year. I have it written out so, I know exactly what I am going to do if I get triggered or no longer am present in the joy of the day. To learn how to create a cope ahead plan you read about it in a previous blog post here; https://modgepodgemystic.com/how-to-regain-control-of-your-life-in-one-day-after-being-overwhelmed/

Let go of judgement– Stop judging yourself and your emotions for feeling anything other than joy. All emotions are valid and serve a purpose you just have to keep them at a justifiable level. So, let go of judgement if you get triggered, need to step away for a moment, or for simply feeling what you feel.

Set aside time for mindfulness practices– Take the time to set aside your own alone time to practice mindfulness. This allows you to set yourself up for success, experience the emotions you need to fully and safely, and may lessen the amount of triggers and/or unwanted emotions you may feel.

Practice Self- care for yourself– Even though this day is suppose to be all about your child it’s okay to take some time to love yourself through self care activities as well. To help you with any triggers or unwanted emotions coming up. Giving yourself some self love allows you to have enough to give to your child on as well.

Practice Radical Acceptance– When we are triggered by trauma and events some of the most freeing work you can do is to work on radically accepting the situation and event for what it is was, and how it affects you. Doing this allows the intensity of emotions to lessen, our understanding of the situation to change, and opens up a door for healing to begin.

Wrap Up

The reality of trauma is that the body and mind can hold memories of the traumatic experience, long after the situation itself has passed. These memories can be triggered by certain sights, sounds and places, as well as dates throughout the year that are significant to the trauma in some way like our child’s birthday. So, if you notice that each year, around the time of your child’s birthday you start to feel increasingly anxious, withdrawn or emotional, or unable to sleep. Or in the lead up; you start to experience flashbacks or bad dreams. You may be experiencing a memory of trauma. Remember, don’t judge yourself, practice mindfulness, use your skills, practice self care and radical acceptance. So, you can hopefully be present and mindful for what you want to be a joyous celebration.

Being overwhelmed is something we all experience at times in our lives. Some much more than others. ( My hand is definitely raised) With the current state of the world and the collective I feel myself and others are hitting their thresholds much quicker than usual or than we would like to be. Feeling overwhelmed has unwanted side effects and consequences for everyone us even though it may look different. I know for myself it may even look different from day to day.

Usually though when I am overwhelmed I get very snippy with my husband, and even passive aggressive. I have much lower patience with my son and end up not following my parenting philosophy when he is struggling and I make it worse. I will cancel things I had planned and avoid contact with others.

And if it gets bad enough I will start to avoid everything. I won’t do anything and will cancel everything. I will dissociate from myself and reality and in some of the worst cases another personality takes complete control of me for awhile and depending on which one, it can have even worse consequences than just being overwhelmed.

So, what can we do about?

I said we all experience it at times so we can’t avoid it. It will happen no matter what your best intentions are, how organized you are, or how well you maintain boundaries. This will happen no matter what simply because we are humans and living life and life is overwhelming at times and so are other humans. So, it’s unavoidable. But, even with that being true there are things we can do both before it happens to prepare and things we can do when it’s happening.

Before it happens

Before we ever even get overwhelmed and start to spiral we can have one of my favorite DBT skills created and on hand for us to use when this happens, called the cope ahead plan.

What is a cope ahead plan?

It is exactly like it sounds. It is a plan you create before a situation happens for how you will cope effectively if/when it does happen. In other words this is your cheat sheet/ to do list you pull out that tells you what to do when your emotions may be making it difficult to problem solve, cope, or be in wise mind.

Another benefit to creating one of these plans is the sense of ease and confidence it gives you that allows you to stop ruminating about things that haven’t happened yet. As someone with OCD I use these plans to even help me break free from routines that get triggered unintentionally. I even use these to make me able to be around other people especially family.

So, how do you create one?

First thing you do is DESCRIBE. You describe the situation that is likely to happen get very detailed about the situation. You check the facts with what you are describing and make sure you are being justified with your description and not letting emotions influences the description but, do note what emotions you are feeling

Second, DECDE what problem solving or coping skills you want to use for this specific situation. What skills will assist you the best with the specific feelings this situation is making you feel. Be detailed!

Third, IMAGINE THE SITUATION in your mind as vividly as possible. Imagine and immerse yourself in the situation as if it is happening now in the present.

Fourth, REHEARSE IN YOUR MIND COPING EFFECTIVELY. This one is the most important part of the skill and the part I feel most forget, myself included at times. When it says rehearse it means rehearse. You fully act out your actions, you say the words you want to say, you respond emotional the way you want to respond, you rehearse every part of what you coping effectively will look and feel like to you. You do this as many times as you need to. Until you feel prepared and any anxiety or unwanted feelings dissipate.

Fifth, PRACTICE RELAXATION AFTER REHEARSING. It is exactly what is says. Go and do something relaxing to bring your emotions back to wise mind after rehearsing.

After doing all those steps you now have a cope ahead plan. I recommend writing out this plan on a sheet of paper especially what you want to say. It makes rehearsing it easier to do and you can come back to it over and over again if its a situation you have to cope ahead for often in your life.

So, what skills for coping should you put in your cope ahead plan?

Every single cope ahead plan will look different for each person and situation but, let me give you some ideas of what can go in your cope ahead plan for when you are just feeling overwhelmed with life, you have been down, off track, and avoiding things/events/others. The list I will go over below is not all inclusive and some things may not work for you change it up to fit your needs.

1. Get ready for the day

When I am overwhelmed in life whether it be due to metal health, a busy schedule or just life being life one of the first things to go for me is personal hygiene. I don’t shower for days, brush my teeth, my hair ends up in a ponytail nonstop, and I only change my clothes if they get wet from doing the dishes or something. So, for me to get back any sense of control and joy I force myself into the shower, I put clothes on that make me feel joy not just simply comfortable, I brush my teeth, do my hair and anything else I haven’t done in awhile. Every time I always surprise myself by how much more rejuvenated I feel after doing this and how much of the fog lifts.

2. Declutter

Another thing for me that will start to go is cleanliness of my physical space. Even though I am aware for me something not being clean is extreme and most would think it is still perfectly clean. It still affects me, my mental health and my emotions if it isn’t as clean as my brain would like it to be. So, I start to declutter. I tell myself to just focus on decluttering so I don’t swing to far one way and go from avoiding things by doing nothing to avoiding things by distraction and doing way to much. That just creates a different type of overwhelm to now be coping with. So, be careful and mindful of that.

3. Get outside

Even if it is just for 1 minute step outside in some way. I know that it isn’t always ideal or safe to do. I live in Minnesota and sometimes it’s just too damn cold to go outside and it hurts. Not only because I am a witch and pagan so, for me it’s spiritual and religious self care but, there is actual science behind it! When we go outside and make contact with the earth we get an influx in energies we need that cause us to reset and cleanse. Plus the fresh air in our lungs is invigorating and gives you more energy as well.

4. Build mastery

What this means is doing something completely that makes you feel like an absolute master at that skill when you are done. Whether it be something like sweeping your kitchen floor, making your bed, washing your hands, writing your grocery list or creating something. Doing this helps you feel self esteem and confidence and reminds your brain what it feels like to accomplish something while reminding you that you can still accomplish things even when feeling unwanted emotions.

5. Organize some part of your life

Whether it be your schedule for the week, your to do list, a meal plan or anything else you need to organize, plan, and schedule some part of your life. Doing this again helps you feel a sense of accomplishment, self esteem, and makes you feel like there is a little less for you to have to worry about and feel overwhelmed over. Doing this can also help you with checking the facts of why you became overwhelmed in the first place.

6. Do some type of self care activity

It does not matter what type of self care you do, physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, etc. you simply just need to do whatever your intuition is calling you to do that is all about taking care of you. It is about recharging your battery. Connecting you to joy. And reigniting your flame of desire.

7. Do a brain dump

This one might not work for everyone it is really going to depend on your brain and your own needs for order and organization. For some doing a brain dump will only overwhelm them more and for others like me it helps keep me realistic and it stops my brain from thinking it is never ending. Seeing it all written down on one page makes my see that there is an end in sight and that it is tangible for me to reach and the sense of overwhelm will subside and a sense of motivation starts to take over.

8. Use the Post it Method

This is a skill one of the DBT therapist taught us in group one day as bonus skill. I modified it for my own use so I will tell you both ways to use this one.

The first one is using to get you to do things. What you do is you grab some sticky notes and a pen and you get yourself in wise mind and you ask yourself what are the top ( however many you choose) things you have been avoiding and procrastinating doing? You write them on a post note and place them somewhere you will have no choice but, to see them to use as motivation to get you to complete the task. Once you do you get to remove the post it note and feel another boost of accomplishment, self esteem, and confidence to further enhance your motivation.

The second one, is using it to restrict how many things you do. This for me was way more important for my OCD. My issue isn’t really not doings things. It’s taking on and doing to many things. So, how I modified this was when it came to getting my posts it I limited the number I was allowed to write. I picked a number and I could only choose that many task to get done and do that day. And when I had completed them all I wasn’t allowed to go and create new ones and add more. If they were gone it meant I had to relax and no longer work on my to do list.

Again, this helps give you that sense of accomplishment and it gives a structure on how you will do it. You also get that visual reinforcement as well that you have a skill to use to cope effectively.

9. Spend some extended time in Wise mind

Everyone has different skills and ways they get themselves into wise mind. If you don’t know what wise mind is; it’s using both your emotional mind and reasonable mind to access the wisdom within you. It’s seeing value and in both your reason and your emotions. It’s bringing your left brain and your right brain together. It’s walking the middle path and existing and thinking in duality.

It’s our goal to be in this state of mind as often as we can be and to try and make most if not all of our decisions from this place so we can live a life worth living. Spending some extended time in this state of mind can help us to check the facts, realign, and be able to move forward in an effective way. So do this however you need to. Again it will look different for all of us whether it’s meditating, using the stone flake on the lake technique, the spiral staircase, or breathing techniques.

Create your Cope ahead plan to fit you and your needs

The list and ideas in this blog post are just the very beginning of the options you have to put in them and it doesn’t even include all of them I use for this specific situation either because, it can change time to time. So, use this as a starting place, experiment and create a cope ahead plan that will best benefit you when you feel overwhelmed. No matter how that looks, by avoiding things, doing to much or something else entirely. Keep that plan in a safe spot and pull out any time you need it remembering you created it just for that moment and feeling to help you.

Category: cope ahead plan

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